


Dawn

by Rollingstone



Category: Led Zeppelin
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Herion addictions, Love, M/M, Recovery, happiness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2019-04-11
Packaged: 2019-09-13 10:59:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 34,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16891296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rollingstone/pseuds/Rollingstone
Summary: Jimmy is a bit of a worrier. But when Jimmy turns to heroin to his escape from his worries, his wings quickly turn to chains as his addiction spiral out of his control....it a good thing he has Robert.





	1. Setting Sun

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Alex De Hondt](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Alex+De+Hondt).



> (For Alex, who inspired me to write this; thank you so very much for your kind encouragement)
> 
> i do not own Led Zeppelin and all character associated with them, this is for fun, and everything you believe to be fact in this story should be taken with many doubts. Addiction is not funny, if you have an addiction get help. 
> 
> On a happy note, this is the long (very,very long) waited Fanfiction I promise you all ages ago; jimmys herion addiction. The nonconon character mention in the beginning is not necessarily major role, so please don’t let him hold you back from enjoying the story.

1963

Jimmy was no stranger to the flamboyant world of music, even as a studio musician. He’d seen his fair share of androgynous males, who cladded them selves in feathery scarves and white cat-eyed glasses, walking with confidence and exaggeration. He’d dealt with the pretentious prick of a musician who swaggered into the studio like a castrated Pitbull; losers who tried to slap Jimmy around like he was the one who needed help for his musical incompetence’s. 

However, the most sobering time of Jimmy’s work as a studio musician was on the unfortunate event that he’d meet a user. Jimmy was only nineteen. 

The man had been a brilliant guitar player, and instead of wanting to take credit for Jimmy’s talent, he wanted Jimmy to simply echo his playing to create a psychedelic back call. Jimmy hadn’t been entirely sure how to interact with this man’s standoffish aura, but his work was alluring and his speech, though a whisper, was intelligent. 

When Jimmy had perched before the man with his guitar, ready to learn his new roll, he’d halted, immobilized to the spot. Olive green eyes stared into pinhole pupils.

Jimmy walked home that day with a sticky disturbance chilling his bones, hoping to never encounter such a thing again. 

Fate have it, the man, like many others, had taken a keen liking to Jimmy’s playing. Jimmy had tried to worm his way out of the gig, but a mouth lashing from his manager (“you pretentious fuck, we don’t judge shady characters here, now scurry your skinny ass back in there”) told him this gig was a set deal. 

Jimmy couldn’t grumble about the company necessarily; Shannon, the singer, was a cheery fellow with a wicked sense of humor (if not a tad unpolished), and Jimmy reckoned he was the type of person nobody could truly dislike. The rest of the band was a genuinely groovy group, caught up in the hippy movement the had invaded their modern culture. The guitarist, Jude was his name, was a particularly charming fellow, Jimmy had found when Jude had shown up sober the next time around, and despite Jude’s jittery antics Jimmy found himself warming up to work with the him again. 

Only, the next session was different, Jude was withdrawn again, seeming to disappear into the rooms shadows and inevitably dragging Jimmy with him. Jimmy avoided looking into Jude’s eyes that day. 

Over the course of a year Jimmy had woven himself into the bands tapestry, so much so that they had offered him a position in their next promotion tour; an opportunity Jimmy had been scouring for. Jimmy had enthusiastically agreed. 

He wishes he hadn’t. 

In the beginning Jimmy had watch the drugs deterioration of Jude’s body like you would watching the seasons change from autumn to winter; in stages, not noticing the subtle slip of weather until a particularly frigid day blew wind down your spin. However, when the band made the decision to use the studio Jimmy worked at as their recording house, and Jimmy as their consultant and secondary guitarist, things changed. Jimmy watched the heroin corrode Jude’s essence like watching fluoroantimonic acid ravage away an antique china doll. 

Jude and Jimmy had created a flourishing friendship within the studio, and even managed to catch each other on the weekends despite their frantic schedules. Jimmy had, on more then one occasion, tried to brooch the stalking shadow of Jude’s addiction. They’d be sitting on the tragically ugly stripped couch in the studio when Jimmy would timidly ask Jude about his weight. Yet before Jimmy’s sentence could finish leaving his lip, Jude’s face would turn to stone cold and he’d calmly avoided Jimmy with a “I have it under control.” Jimmy wishes he’d pushed it. 

Some weeks Jude would lose more precious weight then he had the leisure to spare. When Jimmy would invite Jude over for some grass on the weekend he’d hold back on the paraphernalia himself, and instead shove as many high calorie foods down Jude’s throat as possible. If Jimmy could he would take jude home every day and feed him till he was bursting if only it meant Jude’s skin wouldn’t pull so tight over his ribs; if it meant the sharp definition of his face looked beautiful instead of sickly gaunt. 

It was their last week before the band and Jimmy went on tour, and the last of the album touch ups had just been administered. Jimmy and Jude were monkeying around with the sound equipment and their guitars; Jimmy’s manager had told him to lock up when they finished, so they were at peace to be boys. Jimmy showed his bow technique with no small amount of smugness, fawning under Jude’s fascination and praise; Jimmy had laughed when Jude compared his own attempt to the sound of a dying whale. Jude in return showed Jimmy a haunting tune he’d been fiddling with, a finger style on the acoustic that Jimmy itched to imitate. Jimmy had listened, enrapture by the rawness Jude drew from the strings. When the song had faded away unconcluded, Jimmy stared mystified into Jude’s clear eyes, finding peace in the fullness of his pupils. 

And when Jude had leaned in and brushed his lips against Jimmy’s, well, Jimmy found peace in that too. 

Jimmy and Jude had parted ways with breathy kisses and lingering hands, smiling against each other lips as the missing pieces of life seemed to fit together. They wished each other pleasant sleeps more then once, drawing back to each other like magnates. Jimmy returned home with bubbles of excitement wanting to jump from his throat in jubilant exclamation, a smile stretching his face in an impossible way, and his eyes shining with unimaginable joy. Everything way perfect.

When Jimmy returned to the studio the next morning to pick up his guitar, he stood hesitantly at the door of the recording room. Shannon was sitting on the tattered stripped coach, his red greasy head bowed, and shoulders weighted down with defeat. Jimmy remained silent, trying to shake the dread replacing his bone marrow with mercury. 

Jimmy coughed, watching wearily as Shannon expectantly raised his head. Shannon’s eyes were rimmed a ghastly purple, as though one missed sleep had ripped the energy from his body. 

Jimmy approached as though it would delay the initiable wound waiting to happen. “Shannon,” he faltered, “Shannon what’s…”

Jimmy stopped when tears began to pool in Shannon’s eyes, his brown eyes crinkling with hurt and betrayal. Jimmy crouched before Shannon, hands resting on his shoulder in a grounding gesture, scared and confused. 

“I’m so sorry Jimmy,” he sobbed, “I’m so sorry, he said he had it under control and I believed him, I believed him and now, now, now he’s-“Shannon chocked on his word, unable to admit it out load. But he didn’t have to.

Jude was dead.

Jimmy stubbled back, away from Shannon. He tripped over a chord a fell to his bottom.  
Jimmy froze. He couldn’t escape this, couldn’t run away, or control it. he let out anguish wail, the force of his grief crippling him much to quickly, and he curled into himself, protecting himself from the truth. He didn’t hear when Shannon moved to wrap him tenderly in his arms, Shannon’s own sobs shaking supressed in his chest. 

“I’m so sorry Jimmy, I’m so sorry…”

Jimmy was sorry too. 

 

October 1968

Jimmy pinched the bridge of his nose; he passionately believed he was working with de-evolutionized apes. 

Jonesy was observing amusedly from his place behind his keys board as Robert sat behind the drum set, a fag hanging loosely from his mischievous mouth, and Bonzo took Roberts place behind the mike, striking a flamboyant pose with a dramatic wrist flick. Jimmy’s mouth twitched when Roberts frowned slightly at the slag to his pose. 

“listen, can we please just get on with this, were almost through the song, alright, if we can just record it tonight then well be right on schedule for the rest of the week.” Jimmy pleaded slightly hysterically, huffing when he caught Bonzo mocking him mutely.

Jimmy hid his frustration with curtains of black hair as a tried to draw in his patience. They’d been working on their second album for about two months now, Jimmy, who was the only one with any sensibility, noticed with dismay that if they were going to finish the album by their deadline then they’d have to step up their efforts. 

A catastrophic amount, clearly.

Jimmy soon realised that the only effort that was going to be raised was his own, and the realization weighed uncomfortably heavy on his chest. Still, he didn’t have the heart to blame them. Bonzo and Robert were still young, and the burden of making top of the chart albums did register in their hyped minds; they were still bathing in the glory of there new-found fame. Jimmy however, was acutely conscious of the importance of this album, and his skin stretched painfully trying to manage it all. 

“All right now boys,” Jimmy raised his head to watch as Bonzo flipped illusive hair over his shoulder. “Let get this party start, eh?” Jimmy’s eyebrow twitched. 

“On a one, on a two, on a one, two, three, YOAW!” Bonzo’s voice shrilled through the studio microphone unreasonably high, and Robert behind the drums begun to throw his arms all around, hitting the drums boisterously and with out time. 

Jimmy clenched his eyes shut, the room suddenly to small. He turned and left, the door shutting out the laughter behind him. 

When Jimmy returned home he made love to his jack Daniels to stop the shaking in his hand. His hands still shook when he retired for the night. 

 

Jimmy walked to the studio while the sun was still stretching its tiered rays over the horizon. Its was one of Jimmy’s most savoured time of the day; while the air was crisp and unrecycled, the only sound was the Thames flowing soothingly behind the houses and the birds peeping prettily to one another. It settled the anxious energy constantly whirring through Jimmy’s nerves and silenced his complex mind. 

Jimmy made a habit out arriving half an hour early to the studio to give him time to plan out what they need to accomplish and to go over what they already gotten done; so far, the ‘done’ list was rather meek. 

Jimmy pushed open the studio door, Robert was slung lazily across the couch, and a slap of panic flashed through Jimmy’s mind before he placated it. Grief slide around his heart like a cobra at the cold reminder. It would take far to long for the dust to settle on that book.

Jimmy slipped into the sound control room and flicked on the mick, testing it in way with a “Good morning, Robert.”

Robert whipped his head around to the control room when Jimmy’s voice came through the speakers, smiling lopsided when he spotted him. 

“Good morning, Pagey.” Robert returned before realizing Jimmy couldn’t hear him, he waved instead. Robert played with the lacey sleeves of his frilly flower blouse, nervously glancing at Jimmy. He stood up and moved to the mike, gesturing for Jimmy to put on the head phones. Jimmy raised a dark articulate eyebrow but complied. 

Robert nervously chewed on his bottom lip before he dived in, “look Pagey, I’m sorry about yesterday. I know it’s important that this album is… stellar. But you gotta understand mate, we were tiered; you can’t work us like that and not give us a break…” Robert winced, he didn’t mean to make his apology a justification; but it was true, Jimmy was working them like rented mules- like studio musicians! Robert thought about that; perhaps there laid the seed of Jimmy’s feverous working habits; his days as a studio musician. 

Robert had only known Jimmy for a little over a year, and it’d taken most of that year to break through the man platinum wall of indifference and superiority. To be frank Robert had been in total awe of Jimmy; this celebrity who cladded himself in aristocrat clothing and spoke brilliance in a soft intelligent voice. However, on there first American tour Robert began to realize Jimmy wasn’t so different then Robert himself. He’d watched Jimmy before a show one night, wearing a hole in the ground and cradling a bottle of jack Daniels like it’d offer him the solace he needed; it was then that Robert had caught his first glance past the porcelain mask, and met the lonely man Jimmy was. It was a stark realization that Jimmy was just a person, and not this god that Robert had found himself often viewing him as. Robert became hell bound on chiselling away Jimmy’s cold exterior after that; to sail through Jimmy’s storm and rescue him from his island of isolation. 

It was harder then he’d thought it’d be. Jimmy trusted no one, acting like everyone was out to cause him unimaginable suffering; Robert had never meet someone who lashed out at intimacy so strongly then Jimmy did. Yet Robert persisted, knowing despite Jimmy’s efforts to exclude himself from their friendship, Jimmy craved it more then any of them. Robert just needed to break through the scarred skin of Jimmy’s heart. 

Jimmy looked disheartened by Roberts admission, and Robert bite his lip, silently hating himself for saying the wrong thing. Why did they deserve a break if Jimmy himself never even caught smoke during hours, the man practically gasped for music as though it was air.  
Robert walked to the glass looking into the control room, he tapped on it to draw Jimmy’s attention, meeting beautifully sad drowsy eyes. He motioned for Jimmy to join him in the studio, sighing when Jimmy pointedly looked to the systems he was staring up. Robert rolled his eyes, puffing on to the glass until it frosted up with the moister in his breath. Robert quickly wrote “coffee?” in the perspiration, ignoring Jimmy’s mildly disgusted gaze. Robert wiggled his eyebrows in an exaggerated suggestive motion, pleased as a reluctant smile twisted Jimmy lip. Robert breathed on the glass again, re-illuminating the words. He heard Jimmy’s muffled voice through the glass, muttering a hurried, “yes, yes, yes, I’m coming, hold on a tic.”

Jimmy meet Robert at the backdoor, pulling on his checkered cashmere coat. Robert held open the door for Jimmy, pleased when Jimmy mumbled a polite thank you. 

Robert stuffed his hands into the pockets of his denims’, wishing he’d brought his own coat. The leaves from the trees had long ago lost their life, now falling from the branches in ruby reds and mustard yellows. Robert purposefully distorted his walking to step on the dried decaying leaves, taking satisfaction in the crisp crunch the resounded under his soles. Jimmy smiled at his antics and shook his head, pulling out a fag, and striking a match to light it. 

He let the smoke crawl out from his mouth as he spoke, handing the cigarette to Robert, “so are you buying?”

Robert laughed raising an eyebrow and taking a puff, “is this a date?” Jimmy chuckled, “then no.” Robert finished with a smirk.

Robert handed the fag back to Jimmy, studying the man’s physique. Jimmy was just as tall as Robert, but Robert sometimes worried a slight gust of wind would blow him over. He was tempted to wrap his hand around Jimmy’s arm to see if his fingers would touch. He’d seen girls whose bones clattered when they walked, who wore children’s clothes in order to get a closer fitting to their stick figures; Robert always found terrible sadness dripping in his gut when he meet fans like that. If Jimmy was ever to get to that point thinness Robert promised himself to drag Jimmy to a hospital kicking and screaming. Robert couldn’t understand people who didn’t eat on a regular bases, by nine in the morning if he wasn’t awake making breakfast then he’d wake up due to a grumpy and demanding tummy. Jimmy was too beautiful to wither away. Robert lifted his eyes to study Jimmy’s renaissance face when he met curious olive eyes instead. 

Robert blush mortified, feeling like he was caught with a porno in his hand. 

“What is it.” Jimmy demanded. 

Robert swallowed his concern like a stone and hide in his humor “Just admiring your pretty face, darling.” 

Jimmy rolled his eyes exasperated, but Robert caught his slight smile.

 

JANUARY 9th, 1969

Jimmy was surprised when he looked in the mirror and didn’t see grey hair. 

Technically the album was coming together at a rate that would ensure it completion on time, and yet Jimmy felt paper thin. The songs where flawless, Jimmy ensured that nothing more could be improved on; staying at the studio till the wee hours of morning were the product of such. However, a monster of worry and doubt ravaged away at Jimmy night and day. 

The others had no clue, of course. When Jimmy politely declined their invitations to the local pub after a grueling day in the studio it wasn’t so he could go home and rest, instead Jimmy would fester over their album, their finances, their tour. Anything and everything that could go wrong, Jimmy firmly believed would. 

It ruined his appetite, demolished his sleep and devoured any time for himself. The band he’d wanted and trusted would bring him satisfaction and completion instead loomed over him like a storm holding back it power just to taunt him, following him no matter where he went. If he’d hide in a cave its thunder would have struck it to rubble, if he’d drowned to the deepest ocean it’d rain to become one with the water. 

Jimmy knew todays work in the studio had been successful, they’d completed two song, and all that was left to do was for Jimmy to edit them. Robert had greeted him in the morning with a coffee and had spent the half hour before the other showed up making Jimmy laugh and feel at ease. Robert had adopted Jimmy’s habit of arriving at the studio a half hour early each morning, a ritual he picked up to keep his eyes on his friend. Robert was a ray of sun shine the seemed to break through the storm with out fail every time.

Jimmy had seemed to wither like a ill willow tree over the past few months, watching the beautiful swathing branches shrivel up and discolour to brown. Roberts heart ached with shame that he’d only noticed one day when he’d come back to the studio to retrieve his coat and found Jimmy passed out against control table. Jimmy’s face had been tense in his sleep, and the delicate flesh under his eyes was bruised with a burden Robert didn’t have to fetch far to find. Robert had desperately tried to distract Jimmy the best he could, always inviting him after a day in the studio to a pub or even just coffee, despite Bonzo’s and Jonesy admissions of futility, and the rightness of their admissions. Robert felt like he was reaching his arm as far as he could, stretching until his skin pulled and muscles twisted, and yet Jimmy still retracted his hand each time, ignoring the offer of Roberts companionship and retreating into himself and away from Robert. Robert felt all he could do was give Jimmy the warmth of his companionship and hope it would be enough to melt the ice around Jimmy’s heart.

Jimmy knew today had been a success, and yet he felt tense leaving the studio that night. His skin itched, and his eyes burned, his brain wired with electricity and his hands shook with the same nervous energy. he shoved his hands into his pockets. Jimmy’s pace quickened as his stomach clenched with panic. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t relax; nothing seemed to work anymore; his walks in the morning felt like walking the plank into a sea of worry and going home to his boat house at night felt like a sentence to Albatross. Drinking had been tossed to the side after countless nights of depressed drunks and regretful mornings, and weed just made him crawl with amplified anxiety. Jimmy felt as though he was losing his mind.

Jimmy’s vison swarmed then, and he leaned against a brick building, abruptly noticing that his breathing was far too erratic. He closed his eye trying to fiend off the hopelessness strangling him. 

“hey man, you alright there?”

Jimmy’s eye flew open as he whipped around to the voice, his heart hammering against its cage. 

“Alister Crowley…” Jimmy whisper, clutching his chest. 

The words had come from a rugged looking man with shaggy shoulder length hair. He wore a friendly placating smile, but Jimmy’s trust for the man evaporated when he looked into his pin hole pupil eyes. “are you alright man?” he inquired again, shuffling closer to Jimmy. 

Fear rose up in Jimmy for an entirely new reason, his fligthful instincts urgently directing him to run. “I, I should go actually” Jimmy wanted to hide away from the painful memories those eyes resurfaced in him. 

“Easy man, don’t go. I have something special that will help you.” The man came closer to Jimmy, until Jimmy had to reel his head back to avoid bumping noises. Jimmy’s hand trembled heavier as the mans breath washed over him. The man noticed too and reached down to grab Jimmy’s trembling hands. Jimmy new he could pull away and push this man away from him, he knew he should. But there was something that compelled Jimmy to bare through the man’s putrid presence. Perhaps it was someone noticing his crave for help; perhaps it was the enticement of solace. 

The man lifted Jimmy’s soft pale hands up to his face, cradling the trembling hands in his own grimy ones. “I knew a boy with the same problem as you. He was a musician; poor kid never seems to be able to relax. He was always paranoid like a stray cat, always waiting for something to bite his hind legs and pull him away.” 

“And what happened to him?” Jimmy asked softly, trying to hide his unease.

The man shrugged, “I gave him a solution. He kept coming back so i say he’d found his saving grace.” The man leisurely departed his gaze from Jimmy’s hands to look into Jimmy’s stressed eyes, “I think I can help you too. Your very much like him, stiff in your posture and your spirit. You haven’t had a decent second of life in a long time. You may be surviving, but you’re not alive.” His voice was slow and droned on, but Jimmy listened to every second of it as everyone of his words rang true. 

The man let go of Jimmy’s hands with a crocked smile and began shuffling through his pant pockets until he pulled out a little bag with a folded paper inside. Jimmy’s stomached dropped and churned tightly, realizing this must have been what Jude would have received. Tear welled in Jimmy’s eye. 

“Man, its going to be okay,” the man spoke with a warm swoosh of breath, “you just bring this home, and diminish, feel your self be set aloof man. It’ll all be okay.” He slipped the packet into Jimmy’s coat pocket with out permission and patted it where it weighted like an anchor. 

Jimmy shook his head franticly, finally stepping back from the man, “I, I don’t want it,” Jimmy said panicky, “I don’t need it,” but Jimmy made no move to hand it back as he turned and ran, running until his lungs burned and heaved. 

When Jimmy made it home he threw his coat to the ground, frantically searching for the white packet with shaking hands, when he found it, he stumbled his way to the washroom. Jimmy leaned against the bathroom wall, staring at the toilet in a daze. A wave a nausea crashed over Jimmy, drawing him to the toilet like religion and forcing him to praise horrific hymns into the porcelain bowl. Jimmy drew back exhausted. 

As the hour slid by, so Jimmy also slid to the floor, gripping the packet in his hand desperately, wiling himself to flush its contents.

Jude would be disgusted in him, that Jimmy would be tempted to seek refuge in the same drug that murder him. Jimmy despised himself. He loathed himself with an unnatural hate in that moment, his own presence tearing him apart inside. He bowed his head and pulled at his long dark hair, letting out an antagonised yowl. 

Jimmy crawled into his bed in the early morning, the package still grasped in his hand. 

 

FEBUARY 7th (-8th), 1969

Robert had never seen Jimmy more furious in that one moment then in the whole two years that he’d known him. Jimmy shook with rage, he paced the studio almost screaming at Bonzo. He was an inferno, a blazing bush of black fire. 

Robert didn’t even care to remember what Bonzo had said to strike the match that set of this explosion. Bonzo had know Jimmy was teetering on the edge all morning, snapping at every trifle mistake they made. Everyone had lowered their head and took the verbal lashings with tails between there legs; they weren’t sure what set Jimmy into his lemon mood, but they weren’t going to poke the beast until it’d calmed down. Robert should have known Bonzo wouldn’t take such treatment for long before his pride bubbled up. 

And now Bonzo sat flinched behind his drum set as though it’d protect him from Jimmy’s fury.  
“you bloody pellocks think you can fuck around and do what you please, but you bloody well can’t! This album needs to be done by next month and we still have three songs too record! Do you understand what this album means!” Jimmy’s heart fluttered nervously in his chest, his breathing ferocious and erratic. “if this album isn’t a fucking lightyear ahead of our first one then we’re done! All the fame you two twats have been flaunting and galivanting in,” Robert grovelled away from Jimmy’s anger as he was included in the beating, “it’ll all be gone, and good luck ever having a successful band again!” the studios perfect sound of silence rang louder then Jimmy’s voice. Robert had always heard that the music was in the silence between the noise, but this was a song he never wished to hear again.

Robert risked a glance at Bonzo, feeling pity coarse through him at Bonzo’s dismayed eyes lowered to the ground like a hound. 

“fucking Crowley,” Jimmy whispered hoarsely before shoving the door open and slamming it on his way out. 

Robert shuffled nervously, chewing on his lip. “Bonzo…”

Bonzo shook his head, finally bringing his gaze back up, “something not right with him. Jimmy…” Bonzo shook his he’d again, as if trying to throw off his shock, “this isn’t the Jimmy I knew last year. Or hell even a couple months ago. He’s- its like he’s possessed, mate. Jimmy used to love this, making music with his friends. Recording last years album was all about feeling the music and vibe, we recorded that thing as easily as breathing. Now Jimmy hears mistake that even the recording system don’t hear! Its like he can’t bloody well chill out! He’s not batting on a full wicket, mates.” 

Jonesy bit at his nails, “the second album is always the most stressful to record. I worked years in the studio and I’ve seen what the second album can do to people.” Jonesy abolished softly. Robert felt unease weigh like to much water in his tummy.

“We killed the first album, people loved us, Jonesy. If Jimmy would just relax and see that, we wouldn’t be working on the same song for two weeks now! We all got a natural chemistry; if he’d just let that run its course we’d be dandy right now.” Robert bellyached, trying to shrug off Jonesy’s point. Bonzo grunted in approval. 

Jonesy sighed tiredly, “I’m sure Jimmy knows that, but knowing and doing if a very different concept. Jimmy’s always been a little too precautious when it came to thing he holds dear.” Robert wondered what it was Jimmy even held dear anymore. 

Bonzo huffed, “I’ll whack his brain back into place, make him see what a bloody cow he’s been. I swear mates, he’s gone to the dogs, he’s mad as a bag of ferrets.” he grumbled. 

Robert rolled his eyes, placing a hand on his hip and giving Bonzo a raised eye brow. “I didn’t see you knuckling him back into place a few minutes ago.” Robert harrumphed triumphantly at the colour rising in Bonzo’s cheeks. 

Jonesy massaged the bridge of his nose impatiently, worry for his dear friend niggling in his mind. “just cooperate with him, alright; and Bonzo, you keep your big mouth shut.” Jonesy press his lip together before say, “a-and Robert… just talk to him, visit him, get coffee with him, just anything, okay? He seems to relax in your presence. And the good lord knows he needs that.”

Robert nodded with tinted cheeks. 

Jimmy had caught the bus, not able to bare the thought of trudging home in his state.

Jimmy grinded his teeth, not understanding what had set him off. He’d thought he was too exhausted to even show such energized distain. 

Guilt, shame, and horror crippled Jimmy. Jimmy had always despised people who yelled when they were angry; he couldn’t understand why raising your voice in such a brute show would resolve anything; now being on the end of his own distain he hated himself more so for his out burst. It had been like watching a glass jar hit a cement floor, its sharp shards shattering and hurting everything in their premises. All the peace and kindness within him had been consumed by pure hatred; not hatred for Bonzo, or Robert, god forbid; hatred for how Jimmy felt, his frustration and hopelessness. 

Jimmy didn’t even feel like himself anymore. He felt like a stranger to himself. His groped and searched for himself in the dark storm of emotion destroying everything within him, but the more he looked less he found, his hands only grabbing distain were kindness and compassion used to dance and hatred and anger were gentleness and love used to glide. 

Jimmy just wanted it to be gone, for this hurricane to disappear, for himself to disappear. He wanted to float away into a state of non-existence, a state of blissful unawareness, were the storm didn’t exist. Jimmy’s mind floated to the small baggy in colleting dust in his bedside table. Jimmy shut his eyes and leaned his head against the bus window. For months he had fallen asleep staring at the drawer that held his release, twisted up with shame and guilt, and yet with out fail, Jimmy would shut his eyes for a moment and indulged in the idea of total bliss. After a couple months Jimmy new it wasn’t a matter of if he’d take it, it was a matter of how long he could put it off; if Jimmy had no intention of taking it, it would be gone by now.  
Jimmy shoulders sank in defeat. What did it even matter for anymore. Jude was dead, and Jimmy felt half way there too. If something ended up happening, there wouldn’t be a great lose anyhow. 

Jimmy thanked the bus driver as he departed, walking into the local pharmacist. 

_Jimmy remembered the first time he’d seen Jude’s track marks. It was a grossly muggy day, even as the sun began to molt lower Jimmy could feel the sweat slide down his spine. Jude had taken Jimmy to the ocean after a grueling day in the studio without air-conditioning. They took the scenic drive to Weston-Super-Mare, following the Thames river as long as they could, in no rush to get away from one another. Jimmy had fiddled with the radio finding songs to sing along too, comfortable enough with Jude to use his nasally voice; Jude just smiled and sang with his rough cigarette tone._

_When they’d arrived at the dissertated beach, Jimmy had wasted no time in pulling of his shirt and jeans and racing into the water in his boxers. Jude laughed as he lagged, lighting up a joint.  
Jimmy surface and pouted at Jude when he noticed his friend stretching out on the beach. “awe come on Jude,” Jimmy wined childishly, “you can’t take me to the ocean and not come swimming with me.”_

_“mmmhhm,” Jude hummed lifting his head to see Jimmy lay on his stomach in shallow water, “watch me,” he said, laxing his head in the sand and slipping on his sunglasses. Jimmy pushed away his panic when he saw Jude’s tiny pupils, before realizing his probably looked the same due to the sun._

_Jimmy smile mischievously, creeping out of the water and over to Jude, shaking out his soaking shoulder length hair all over him. Jude shot up as water spray him, scrambling to get up as Jimmy ran back to the water howling with laughter. Jude scrambled out of his clothes shouting threats at Jimmy, as he ran after Jimmy, Jimmy shrieked when Jude tackled him in the waste deep water taking him under before Jude lifted Jimmy into his arms and threw him. Jimmy resurfaced and shook his hair from his face, laughing along with Jude._

_They floated in the water contently, swimming out to the buoy, and climbed on to it to watch the last rays of sun slip from the sky._

_Jimmy looked at Jude, feeling terribly sappy as he admired his friends face in the warm glow of the setting sun, his tummy fluttering happily. His eyes wandered helplessly down his friend’s chest, butterflies blooming within him, both pleasant and sad. Jude’s ribs casted little shadows on each other rib in the suns light, and Jimmy wanted to run his fingers down their grooves._

_Jimmy froze when Jude shifted to lean his face against his hand and his fore arm became visible to Jimmy. Dark purple dot scattered Jude’s forearms, some dots were shinny scars.  
“Jude…” Jimmy whispered, his heart aching at the little bluish dot vandalising Jude’s arms. Some where new Jimmy noticed, swollen and red with little dotes in the middle. _

_Jude looked to Jimmy his eyes following Jimmy’s to his arm, he tensed and turn his arm towards him self, “don’t, Jimmy. I’m fine.”_

_Jimmy’s heart broke at those words, and he desperately tried to hold its pea ices together until tonight, where he could let it break in privacy. One of the marks had stood out among the others, a bright angry red spot with dried blood shrill clinging to the pinhole._

_“just tell me- “Jimmy tried but Jude cut him off sharply,_

_“stop Jimmy,” he said coldly._

_Anger pinch Jimmy, and he demanded vehemently, “no Jude, you stop! Just stop fucking using! Just bloody hell, stop! Or at least respect me enough to tell me the truth when you’ve shot up!”_

_Surprise lite up Jude’s angular face, “what?”_

_“if, if you shot up today, and your still high-“Jimmy began, his eye brow knitted together with hurt._

_“I didn’t Jimmy, I promise, I don’t get high when I’m seeing you the same day. I don’t use when I’m happy; I only use when I’m lonely.” Jude admitted quietly, staring into Jimmy’s eyes intensely. Jimmy looked down to Jude’s arm again, gently grabbing at Jude arm to pull it towards himself. Jude wanted to pull it back instantly, but Jimmy held his wrist firmly, his other hand tracing the marks as though finding constellations in the battel field. Jude swallowed around the self loathing, wishing he wasn’t so selfish. ___

__Now Jimmy walked through the isles of the small pharmacist, before finding a small box of insulin needles; he wondered how pathetic he looked buying these. Jimmy couldn’t meet the cash registers accusing eyes as he paid for the syringes._ _

__Jimmy’s walk home only made hm more eager to escape from the coldness he felt inside. When he made it to his house he shoved his key inside the lock, and scrambled inside, heading straight to his room. Jimmy grabbed the box of syringes and tore open the cardboard, unravelling a small plastic needle from its sanitary wrapping. Jimmy gripped the package in his hand, feeling the paper crinkle in his hand. He paused, a wave of fear rolling through him nauseously. He gripped the package tightly, grabbed the needle, and determinedly walked to his kitchen._ _

__He remembered his stoned conversation with Jude about heroin. It was the rare time they talked about the drug, and the even rarer time Jimmy inquired about it without trying to persuade Jude not to use it. Jimmy had genuinely been curious (mostly due to his marijuana addled brain) about what his friend did; did Jude smoke it, pop it, snort it? Jimmy had been mortified to hear that Jude injected it, but he listened on, morbidly fascinated about how Jude melted the powder first. In the morning Jimmy remembered their conversation and could bring himself to eat breakfast as images of Jude injecting drug into his arm haunted him._ _

__Now, Jimmy stood alone, unfolding the paper inside the little baggy to revel white powder. Jimmy stood transfixed, staring at the drug in the dim light of his kitchen. He dipped his pinky in the little mound of powder, wondering at its softness. Jimmy carefully set the paper down, wary not to spill, and found a table-measuring-spoon; he folded the paper and let the powder slide in. Jimmy let the idea of the man trying to overdose him float from his mind as he lights his gas stove and held the spoon over the small flame. Jimmy whipped his hand over his eyes, desperately trying to detach himself from the emotions threatening to stop his only chance at escape, he shifted from foot to foot and played with his long hair. Instead, Jimmy watched  
the powder disappear like snow as it melted into a clear liquid._ _

__Pouring the liquid into the syringe over the sink, Jimmy, finally let out a deep breath, feeling the last of his doubt cast away as he settled himself into his settee. Jimmy held out his arm and studied the pale expanse of unmarred skin; plenty of vein stood out healthily from his years of playing guitar. Selecting one close to the crook of his elbow, Jimmy uncapped the safety on the lumen and pressed the tip to his skin, watching acutely as his skin dimpled before the needle easily pierced through and pressed into his vein. Jimmy exhaled, abhorring the pinch of cold metal. Taking as breath he pushed down the plunger._ _

__Instantly an explosion of euphoria washed threw Jimmy, drawing a moan from his parted lips. Jimmy slowly fell into the coach’s arm, letting his head fall back as warmth tingled threw Him like a beautifully breath of summer. Tears swelled in Jimmy’s eyes as happiness and love washed through him, settling in him and lighting his nerves on fire pleasantly. Despite the darkness of Jimmy’s living room, and the miserable clouds out side his windows, Jimmy felt as though he was bathing in the summer sun, breathing in warm fuzzy air._ _

__Stretching his relaxed muscles languidly, he gasped at the feeling of the coach’s cloth against his arms and hands. Jimmy reached a bright hand to his face, feeling the texture of his skin and cloths as though they were completely new, the sensations coursing through each place he touched with delicious pleasure._ _

__Jimmy’s eye crinkled as an airy puff of joy turned into a blissful laugh, each laugh vibrating through him. Everything came to Jimmy in beautiful bright awareness, the state of being almost overwhelming. Closed his eyes in contentment for the first time in months, embracing the sensation of being cradled, feeling safe and protected, like an infant wrapped in his mothers’ arms._ _

__Jimmy rolled onto his stomach, stroking the divans fabric as he conscious drifted away airily, flying into a beautiful sunset of pink fluffy clouds, and rested there as Jimmy’s fell into a warm sleep._ _

__Jimmy woke the next morning with a slow stretch, surprised when his muscles easily relaxed. He fluttered his eyes open, allowing them to flutter closed a moment later; a smile pulled at his lips as a content feeling lingered peacefully in his chest. Jimmy felt himself dozing off again and felt a happy groan of resistance purr in his throat. When he blinked his eyes open for good this time Jimmy looked around his living room from his lying position on his coach._ _

__Sunlight cut through the dusty air in a thin slice from the crack in the blinds, and Jimmy couldn’t help admiring the magic of it. Jimmy allowed himself to stretch once more before climbing to his feet._ _

__Jimmy marveled at the feeling of peace still lingering in his body as he made himself tea. He grabbed the paper and bag from last night and disposed of them in the garbage, before retrieving the used syringe from the living room and wrapping it up before also disposing it. Looking at the clock he sighed as he realized he’d be late for the studio. Jimmy tried to fight the dark twist of anxiety the bloomed in his stomach as he remembered his row with his mate’s yester-afternoon. He tried to breath away the fret in his chest, but the feeling left a seed of unease as Jimmy sipped from his bone-china tea cup._ _

__Jimmy stomach dropped when he pulled off his shirt to change and saw the telling red circle on his arm. It stood bright and accusing against Jimmy’s pale inner arm, Jimmy gnawed his lip nervously as he probed the sore spot. Going to his washroom, Jimmy found an alcohol swab and cleaned the swell of dried blood, covering the evidence with a small Band-Aid. Jimmy pulled on a long-sleeved shirt._ _

__Jimmy shoved back his guilt as he walked to the studio and instead focused on the exhilarating state of liveliness he felt last night, clinging to the happiness and using it as a beacon of hope for his day. Jimmy repudiated to think of Jude, pushing to the farthest crevice of his mind. He let himself relax, think about the happiness and freeing feeling music would bring him in todays session._ _

__When Jimmy arrived at the studio, he allowed him self a moment of collection before pushing open the doors._ _

__Jonesy, Percy, and Bonzo all hushed when Jimmy entered. Jimmy hadn’t felt this awkward sense meeting his first girlfriends’ parents._ _

__Robert looked to his friend warily, before breaking the silence, “hey, Pagey,” Robert started, “we um, we wanted to- “_ _

__Jimmy cut him off before he could continue, “I’m really deeply sorry, Bonzo. And, to you Robert and Jonesy. I was completely out of sorts yesterday... I had no right to treat you all that way.”_ _

__Bonzo’s jaw could have dislocated at the way his face slung slack with surprise. They planned to sit Jimmy down and interrogate him until he let them help him, but could Jimmy had figured it out himself? Bonzo certainly wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth. “hey mate, its all right. Lord knows we all have rough days.” Bonzo smiled, and said without malice, “next time I’ll clobber you in the head if you lose your sorts.”_ _

__Robert studied Jimmy suspiciously as Jimmy laughed at Bonzo’s response and walked off to convers with him. Jimmy seemed relax, something Robert almost forgot looked like on him; but Robert could see the beginning off stress tense his shoulders. Robert wanted to believe that this was what it seemed, that Jimmy was letting off a load and letting the band help, but he couldn’t help the double-sided mirror feeling he was getting._ _

__

__Jimmy invited Robert with the conspiracy that other man’s presence would help elongated the peace the heroin had originally given him. Robert waded through Jimmy’s house more comfortably then Jimmy did himself, making Jimmy feel more at ease with himself._ _

__Jimmy grabbed them a beer, as Robert found a movie to watch and rolled them a joint. He sat Indian style beside Robert, knowing Robert wouldn’t mind to closeness, and pulled a wool blanket over them. He reached for the box of matches on the table and light the joint clasped in Roberts firm lips. Robert breathed in deeply, and blew it at Jimmy, laughing when Jimmy waved the smoke away._ _

__“give me here, you big hippy,” Jimmy grumbled, nicking the joint from Roberts lips.  
Robert tsked, “so rude,” he chided, smiling as Jimmy rolled his eyes. Jimmy grinned back, and Robert knew the weed had hit him; Jimmy never did have a high tolerance for marijuana. _ _

__Robert cracked open his beer, and watched Jimmy take another hit, blowing the smoke from his soft demarcated lip._ _

__Robert chided himself for his attraction; he couldn’t help but feel it was treason against the monarch, feeling as though he was betraying Jimmy’s trust and friendship. Robert barely even knew how to label his attraction to Jimmy. He found Jimmy pale smooth skin beautiful in a way he’d never found tanned skin, and his drooping sad eyes captured Roberts undivided attention anytime they caught his own. And Jimmy’s soft-spoken tone replied with kind, gentle word never failed to make Roberts heart glow. The way Jimmy contradicted himself by brushing his hair behind his ears when he was nervous and didn’t want to be seen; the way he squinted his puffy eyes when he was confused or thoughtful. Robert especially loved the way Jimmy’s lips twitched reluctantly before blooming into a glorious smile. Robert knew what his attraction to Jimmy was, but he didn’t dare say it._ _

__Robert came back to himself when he felt the weight of Jimmy’s head lay in his lap. Robert allowed himself to play with the black velvet strands of Jimmy’s hair as Jimmy closed his eyes and hummed contently, the telly forgotten._ _

__“I’m sorry,” Jimmy whispered, eyes still closed, “I haven’t been good to you lately, I haven’t given you the time you deserve. But I promise you, I’ll get better; I’ve just felt terribly heavy lately. But it doesn’t give me the right to push you away. I’m sorry Percy.”_ _

__Roberts heart clenched, and he pushed away his worthless doubt; Jimmy had figured himself out, this was a good thing. “its alright love, we understand.” Robert brushed his hand through Jimmy’s hair._ _

__Jimmy looked up at Robert with indolent olive eyes, before closing them again. “I had a friend I used to do this with on the weekend.” Jimmy admitted, “I was working with his band in the studio and we became good friends.”_ _

__Robert halted; was this who Jonesy sometimes mentioned? “do you mean Jude?” Robert inquired, his hair creating a tunnel vison of jimmys face as he looked down._ _

__Jimmy’s eyes shot open and he tensed up for a moment; he calmed like settling dust, worming snugger into the couch and slackened. Jonesy had never known Jude, he and Jonesy meet not a week after Jude’s funeral; but Jonesy had meet the horrific wreak Jude had abandoned. Jimmy had eventually told Jonesy everything, he’d even tried to find an intimate solace in Jonesy, but Jonesy knew Jimmy was hurting and lonely, and told Jimmy it wasn’t what he needed. Jimmy still wonders what would have happen if Jonesy had allowed Jimmy’s advance. Roberts book of Jude was reclusive to a meek amount of information; Jude was a friend that Jimmy had in the studio. Jonesy refused to divulging any more on the forbidden topic._ _

__Jimmy nodded, and Robert shifted his legs slightly to avoid an uncomfortable occurrence._ _

__“yeah, Jude,” Jimmy said softly. “I-I always used to invite him over on the weekends. We worked together in the studio, y’know that? His band and I clicked, and they decided to make me a second guitarist of sorts…” Jimmy trailed off and Robert wondered where Jimmy was going with this._ _

__“why didn’t you join his band?” Robert regretted the question the second it left his lips as grief crippled Jimmy’s face._ _

__“because he died. Six years ago.” Robert wanted to shrink away from the pain in Jimmy’s voice. Robert fell silent as Jimmy rose a hand to rub at his eyes. “I was supposed to go on tour with his band, an American and European tour. But Mother Mary got to him before we did; the concerts were irrecoverable; they’d wanted me to replace Jude for the tour, but I-I couldn’t. N-not after…”_ _

__Robert felt Jimmy’s grief pour over him like syrup, sticking to his skin weighty and uncomfortable. Robert hesitated to ask. Jimmy had known Jude years ago, but the pain in his voice sound as raw as if it’d happened yesterday; a scar like came from a wound of a different kind. “Jimmy,” Robert began, squashing the hope and dismay in his heart, “did you… did you love Jude?”_ _

__The sound of the television acted as an intervention in the silence, dramatic voices resounding in the room. Robert watched a painful tear slide across Jimmy’s cheek bone and into his hair. “yes,” Jimmy breathed out, “yes, I loved him.” Jimmy clenched his eyes tightly. He felt dirty with the admission, terrified that his ray of sunshine would deem him a photodermatitic. His brief act of romance with Jude felt like a curse to Jimmy. The once beautiful experience only taunted Jimmy of what he could have had, what life so cruelly ripped away._ _

__Robert exhale. He was disgusted with the hope that inflated in his chest, but the niggling possibility of Jimmy one day finding attraction in Robert had laid its flowery seeds. Robert leaned down, his hair falling like drapes, and placing a reassuring peck to Jimmy’s forehead. Jimmy’s face relaxed, creases of worry easing away under the love of Roberts kiss._ _

__“It’s okay, Jimmy, it’s okay.” Robert gently pulled Jimmy into his arms and didn’t mention the emotion shaking through Jimmy. “There’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t think any thing inversely of you.” Which was untrue. Robert thought of all the way Jimmy and himself could be together now._ _

__Jimmy clung to Robert tighter._ _

__Robert leaned his head on the back of the coach when Jimmy had fallen asleep, sighing to himself and tempted to take up Jimmy’s offer of staying the night. Instead he guided Jimmy onto a laying position with care. Roberts hand lingered on the soft skin of Jimmy’s cheek, admiring the wholesome peace in Jimmy’s face; he pulled away and covered Jimmy with the blanket. Robert himself had much to think of. He left, locking the door behind him; he knew Jimmy would want to think about what he’d revealed to Robert that morning._ _

__

__APRIL 12th, 1969_ _

__Jimmy had illusioned himself with the hope that it would be a one-time retreat, but as the popularity of the album seem to take longer and longer to climb the British top charts Jimmy’s worry began to tie the noose around his neck once again. The songs weren’t getting the air time he’d wanted, the radio stations agreeing with the presses absurd idea that Led Zeppelin was vociferous and undignified. Rage churned in Jimmy like cream turning to butter, a long and tedious prosses that grew heavier and heavier to deal with each churn. Peter Grant had expressed his concern with how much the tour was going to cost, unsure whether the venues would be popular enough to pay. Jimmy had felt the noose tighten at that; his confidence lay in Led Zeppelins ability to wow the crowd live, the idea of less then full venues constricted painfully. The cravings for the freedom and peace he’d felt the first time he used heroin created a demon of its own, leaving a storm of black smoke to fester with in him._ _

__Jimmy refused to seek of the man who’d first given him the drug, instead jimmy seeked Richard Cole, their road manager from their first tour. The smirk that’d curled Coles lip, twisted ominously in jimmy belly heavy and dirty. The condescending voice that Richard Cole spoke to jimmy in showed the power Cole knew he now had over him. Jimmy had felt like a child, helpless and under the will of their parents providence._ _

__The first time a craving struck him he was with Robert. Robert had been trying to convince Jimmy that riding his horse was a fantastic idea, although neither Jimmy nor the horse had been buying what Robert was selling. Jimmy had come to Roberts after a day with peter grant, they’d been working out the detail of the tour, booking hotels, and finding a larger crew of roadies; Jimmy just wanted to go home and sleep off his lust for heroine. But Robert had insisted that Jimmy was neglecting him, thus Jimmy came crawling to Robert, his ray of sunshine still a stronger call then the drug._ _

__Jimmy wished he hadn’t now, as he stood in muddied boots and one of Roberts raincoats. Robert decided to drag Jimmy to his river instead despite Jimmy’s grumbling about that too. Robert insisted that swimming in the hot river beds was just the most magical experience with it was cold and raining out; Jimmy seriously doubted that. Jimmy’s felt an insistent itch within him, making his fingers curl and uncurl as he tried to shake the ache._ _

__Robert did live on a truly mystifying property; the rolling field swayed with long green grass, and the property hidden by old drooping trees. The hot river that steamed like a traveling ghost through Roberts property was the final check to create a truly Tolkien feel to it. Jimmy could see himself living on a property such a this, and a wishful envy drifted through his mind._ _

__Robert was tugging off his pants when Jimmy felt a pull in his stomach (not for that reason); Robert was yapping on about the waters purity and refreshment, dipping his toes in. Robert was trying minimally to pull Jimmy towards the water when Jimmy’s blood ran cold. His stomachs twisted pugnaciously, his face pinching in agony. Robert stopped suddenly, letting go of Jimmy’s hand and trying to ask Jimmy what was wrong._ _

__“Pagey, Pagey are you righto? What’s wrong mate?” Roberts concern face barely broke through Jimmy haze of pain. His knees felt weak with it; all his bones felt heavy like silver and fragile like lead. A sweet broke out on Jimmy forehead, and the reapers synth seemed to run through Jimmy’s stomach as he doubled over._ _

__“James!”_ _

__Roberts exclamation brought Jimmy to himself enough to speak, “Home, god Robert, get me, h-home. Urghmm.” Jimmy grunted in pain. Jimmy realized what this was as Robert put his arms around Jimmy’s back and helped him up. Jimmy’s hadn’t touched a needle in a whole week; this was withdrawals._ _

__“Jimmy, mate, you’ve got to tell me what’s going on. Please James your scaring the shite out of me.” Roberts voice sounded desperate._ _

__Jimmy looked up to Robert, staring into his terrified eyes. Jimmy hated himself for lying to this man; the man who put up with Jimmy dispute all his personality deficiency’s. “Constipation.” Jimmy gritted out._ _

__Roberts mouth fell open in surprise, then he started laughing slightly hysterically, “bloody hell Jimmy, I though you had a tumour! Lord, mate, eat some fiber once in a while will you; you can’t survive on tea and smokes, mate.” Robert joked._ _

__“Fuck you” Jimmy groan. Robert sobered up a bit._ _

__Robert drove Jimmy home half naked, despite the chill still crisping they breaths. He offered to stay and make him some bowl-movement enhancing tea, but Jimmy had shooed Robert away. Robert left against his instincts drawing him to stay; and the sick feeling of leaving someone to their dismiss clung to Roberts stomach like sour milk.  
Jimmy had his needle in his arm not minutes later, and cramps in his stomach easing instantly._ _

__

__APRIL 30th, 1969_ _

__Jimmy stared down at his arm, counting the number of red dotes marking his forearm. There were seventeen Jimmy concluded._ _

__Jimmy was getting ready for a restraint Robert had all but forced Jimmy to go with him too, he’d had a fix yesterday, too be certain he’d be fine for tonight._ _

__Jimmy finished buttoning his magenta velvet shirt, leaving the first couple of buttons undone and bottomed the sleeves. Jimmy debating wearing his Christmas colored checkered bell bottoms but decided that a pair of black straight legged trousers would look dashing with his heeled boots._ _

__Jimmy bit his lip nervously as butterflies fluttered through his stomach not unpleasantly. Jimmy wasn’t sure when he started caring about Robert’s opinion on his appearance, but Jimmy wanted Robert to find him attractive. Jimmy tried to reason with himself that it didn’t matter as Robert wasn’t gay; Robert drooled and swooned over women, despite that fact he dressed like a fairy. Jimmy didn’t even think he himself was gay. He’d loved Jude as a friend and then more, and his brief advance on Jonesy had been out of desperation for consolation; and Robert, well Jimmy didn’t know yet. Jimmy loved the soft curves of a women, he thought the milky smoothness of their skin and the feel of the breast was incredible, the chimes of their laughter and the gentle and kindness in a good woman was a unique thing found only in them; Jimmy, like many men, found women an incredible enigma of beauty. But Jimmy also found beauty in Robert. In the way he smiled, in his beautiful golden hair, in his strong chest, in his defined and sharp face. Robert was beautiful in a separate way, not a better way, Jimmy thought, but a different way._ _

__Jimmy huffed and shoved on his pants, ridiculing himself for acting like a teenager and not the 25-year-old man he was._ _

__Robert picked Jimmy up on his Triumph, so Jimmy wore his leather jacket as he clung to Roberts waist like a frightened feline. When they arrived at a colourfully light restaurant, Jimmy was ingulfed with the sweet spices and creams of Indian curry._ _

__Robert laughed as Jimmy moan at the heavenly smell, “my friend Maureen co owns this restaurant with her parents,” Robert explains, “it’s been open for a couple of months but with the album and everything, well I haven’t really had the time to check it out yet. But I promised her I’d come at least once before our tour, so here we are.” Robert opened the door for Jimmy and Jimmy thanked him in response._ _

__“So why haven’t I meet Maureen before?” Jimmy asked mischievously, but he felt a tinge of something sour and threatening tighten his chest._ _

__Robert groaned, “because she’s a hellhound bound on destroying my masculinity and dignity.” Robert smiled when Jimmy snorted._ _

__“Robert, I’ve seen you naked and passed out in my shower with the water running cold, I’m sure there’s nothing more embarrassing then that.” Jimmy said with a chuckle, remembering the first time Robert had gotten drunk on Jack Daniels. Robert blushed brightly, coughing into his hand. “And masculinity,” Jimmy shrugged, as the waitress seated them, “well I’ve practically been stripped of that,” shame undertones Jimmy’s casual voice, and Robert caught it before it could hide away and fester._ _

__Robert trapped Jimmy’s eyes and held then in a piercing blue gaze. “Just because you loved a man, does not make you any less masculine, Jimmy.” Robert said seriously, and Jimmy relaxed, a swell of anxiety defusing. Robert hadn’t mentioned the conversation the next day, and Jimmy had been too scared that bring it up would make Robert uncomfortable._ _

__“Thank you, Percy,” Jimmy said softly, and Robert nodded with his lopsided smile, dimples adorning his youthful cheeks. Jimmy’s stomach danced pleasantly and could help the grin that bloomed on his face._ _

__Robert looked down at his menu and excitement dominated his voice, “Oh lord, Jimmy you have got to try their butter chicken with nan and rice, it’s orgasmic. Maureen’s parents used to make it for me when I bummed out at her place in my teen years.”_ _

__Jimmy laughed, “alright, alright, I get that then. As long as you pay for my heartburn pill later on.”_ _

__Robert didn’t miss a beat, as he never did in the studio, and grinned, “will do.”_ _

__“My, my, if it isn’t the princes and his prince,” Jimmy looked up, from the beverage menu to see an exotic women walking there way. She wore the grin of a snarling wolf. “So, you decided to finally come to my restaurant, eh? And who’s this? The block you’re always talking about?” She asked looking Jimmy over, and Jimmy didn’t mind the attention of this beautiful lady._ _

__“Hello my darling Maureen.” Robert grumbled. He could feel his treasonous blood pooling under his cheek. “This is my mate, Jimmy Page.”_ _

__“Robert never told he had such a beautiful friend, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” Jimmy smiled charmingly; Robert groaned forlornly._ _

__“And there she goes stealing all my attention again.” Jimmy laughed, and Maureen returned Jimmy’s greeting and took their orders. Another waitress brought Jimmy the glass of red wine he asked for, and Robert an Indian brew._ _

__“You know, that wine is going to be horrible with your dinner,” Robert warned, watching jimmy like a fool._ _

__Jimmy shrugged nonchalantly, “I guess I better drink it before our food arrives then,”_ _

__Robert shook his head with a smile, jimmy really did need to give his liver a vacation.  
Jimmy had his cheek pressed against his hand, his eyes as mournful and angelic as ever. Robert had never seen a more beautiful person in his life. Robert and Jimmy conversed about anything and everything, Jimmy talking about the Star and planet alinement and Robert listening raptly despite not understanding. Jimmy tried in vain to explain to Robert the workings of magic, but realising the futility, instead directed the conversation to the blues._ _

__The moan Jimmy made as he tried his food made Robert cry a little inside. “Why’ve you never taken me here Robert.” Jimmy moaned again, shoving another spoonful of rice and red curry into his mouth._ _

__“Hmm I know, and my mother thought I liked Maureen because she was a pretty girl, I’m telling you it was her parents’ food I was after. A growing boy can only take so much of mashed potatoes and bacon blubber.” Jimmy’s eyes crinkled as he laughed, chocking slightly on his food and covering his mouth._ _

__“I’m sure Maureen would appreciate you saying that,” Jimmy said roguishly, and Robert gasped in mock horror. As Robert began to ramble on about the horrors Maureen would inflict upon him, Jimmy’s food settled heavily like ash, and a breath stealing cramp punched Jimmy right in the stomachs. Jimmy didn’t understand, he’d had a fix just last night, there was no way he needed another one so soon after. Another cramp winded Jimmy in the bowls, causing nausea to roll through Jimmy’s stomachs. Was this just apart of the drug? Jimmy had heard of cocaine distracted you from eating, but would heroine essentially stop you from eating?_ _

__“-Maureen actually threw a hot curling iron at me once, so I wouldn’t put it past her to-“ Robert’s rambling was cut off as Jimmy stood up suddenly._ _

__“I’m sorry Robert, I’ll be back in a moment, I just need to use the loo.” Jimmy apologized, quickly making his way to the restrooms._ _

__Jimmy hurriedly locked the door after assuring himself he was alone. He rushed to a stall and grasped the toilet, just in time for his dinner to burn its way back up his esophagus. It felt like ages to Jimmy, heaving dryly until he’s throat was scraped raw from bile. Jimmy rested against the bathroom stall, gasping, confused and disoriented. The cramps subsided now, only the occasional stab piercing through Jimmy’s bowls._ _

__This must have been why Jude never ate; because he couldn’t eat. Guilt plunged Jimmy into icy water. All those times Jimmy had made Jude eat, Jude new he was going to suffer for later; and yet he still did it, if only to reassure Jimmy falsely. Jimmy gripped his hair and doubled over the toilet again as a tidal wave on sickness coursed through him again._ _

__A knock echoed through the washroom. And Roberts voices came through timidly, “Jimmy...? Are you okay? The doors locked, can you let me in please.”_ _

__Jimmy tried to speak but his voice barely crackled. Jimmy flushed the toilet and stood on shaky knees, leaning against the wall while the swarming blackness left his vision. Robert knocked on the door again, and Jimmy groaned._ _

__He stumbled over to the door, unlocking it and timidly opening the door the reveal a concerned Robert._ _

__“Oh Jimmy, goodness, did you get sick?” Robert pushed his way in and locked the door behind him again. Jimmy had a little glossy sheen of sweat on his forehead and his posture and face was that of misery._ _

__“Unfortunately,” Jimmy confirmed. “It’s not your fault Robert, it probably wasn’t even from something I ate here,” Jimmy croaked when guilt mushed Roberts face._ _

__Robert was the picture of disheartenments when he said, “come on, Pagey, I’ll take you home, okay?”_ _

__Jimmy had to salvage this wonderful night somehow, “hey, why don’t we go to your house instead.” Jimmy offered with a strained smile, and Robert perked up like a dandelion opening to the warm sun after a frosty night.  
Jimmy and Robert left for there second tour together the next morning._ _

__

__April 31st, 1969_ _

__Jimmy paced the backstage anxiously, his fingers itching for his needle. Jimmy would have the needle in his arm right now if he didn’t fear it’d affect his performance; Jimmy had performed high in the studio before with no complications, but the scenario of Jimmy making a fool of himself on stage due the drug was unbearable._ _

__Jimmy new Robert had been trying to relax him for the last half hour, getting him to play old blues song together to offer a more intimate and familiar atmosphere, and although pat Jimmy appreciated the jester, if Jimmy didn’t have his sweet lady coursing through his veins then he wanted alcohol poisoning his blood._ _

__Jimmy felt awkward on stage, and he knew the others could feel the stiff way he played. He rarely improvised that night, keeping to what he knew. He hides behind Robert like a shadow, wanting to disappear as each new song turned the night to eternity. The crowd was largely oblivious, but Jimmy’s pride and confidence was severely wounded. When the concert was alas finished Robert wished the crowd farewell, and caught up to where Jimmy had all but run from the stage. Robert caught up just as Bonzo finished speaking. “A bit stiff there tonight, eh Jimmy?”_ _

__Jimmy bristled at the word and Robert stepped on the fuse before the barrel exploded, “it’s our first night Bonzo, we were all a bit stiff.” He threw a warning glare at Bonzo, but Jimmy had walked off._ _

__Robert sighed, a bad energy weighing in his lungs._ _

__The next concert, Jimmy crouched on the backstage washroom floor, a bag he’d just received from Richard Cole just poured into a silver spoon, Jimmy holding his lighter under the utensils.  
He pour the contents into a syringe and stuck it into a vein with ease. Jimmy dropped the needle to the bathroom floor and moan in pleasure, his anxiety for the show in a half hour suddenly replace with excitement and confidence. Jimmy whipped the pinhole with toilet paper and threw the evidence into the garbage. Jimmy waited until the high had calmed down slightly before he walked out to where the rest of the band was._ _

__Jimmy looked away from the Burnett chatting with Robert, allowing the drug to carry his envy away uninvestigated. Peter came into the room encouraging the boys to rattle the crowds teeth, and Jimmy felt a pleasant wave of brotherly love wash through him for there ‘manager’._ _

__Jimmy rocked through the show, jumping around the stage with energy he didn’t have, improvising incredible tunes he didn’t know he had in him, and up playing his relationship with Robert more so then usual._ _

__At the end of the concert Robert brought Jimmy into and  
Side hug and kissed Jimmy’s cheek, speaking Jimmy’s name into the microphone as the crowd screamed their names. Jimmy beamed into the crowd; this was the way he was supposed to feel after a concert, this organism of pure joy._ _

__Robert laughed, walking with Jimmy of stage, his are still hanging around Jimmy, “bloody brilliant mate, that was bloody brilliant!”_ _

__Jimmy had found his cure._ _

__

__May 17th, 1969_ _

__Robert and jimmy laid under the rays of New York’s morning sun. Central Park was silent at this time of morning, only the odd runner or sketchy character walking by. Robert and jimmy just ignored them, bathing in the golden red rays that the dawning sun basked them in._ _

__Robert was stretch out on his stomach, prompt up by his elbows. Robert watch as jimmy play with the dewy grass and teased a early brave flower trying to bloom in the crisp air. Jimmys eyelash fluttered delicately on his mature cheeks as his eyes flitted curiously across the ground. Robert swooped his hand down to the grass, allowing the spider jimmy was watching crawl onto his palm. Jimmy looked up to Robert startled and he scrunch his nose at the sight of the spider crawling on Roberts hand._ _

__“That’s disgusting Robert,” jimmy said softly, his nasally voice barely above a whisper._ _

__Robert laughed and the birds around them continued chirping; Robert wondered about that, if they’d been home the birds would’ve flown away._ _

__Robert let his hand down gently, the spider crawling away hurriedly. “See,” Robert chided, amused, “he doesn’t mean any harm.”_ _

__Robert smiled as jimmy leaned his face closer to the ground, squinting his eyes to follow the spiders journey with sight._ _

__Jimmy enjoyed the morning when he woke up without the omnipresent itch in his arm, and today he’d been blessed with the pleasure._ _

__Jimmy fell back on his back, turning his face to study Robert. “Percy,” Robert hummed his acknowledgement, “ why do you think we’re here?”_ _

__Robert meet jimmy’s pale eyes, “ I’d like to it’s to love,” Robert said sincerely, his eyes shining with genuine warmth and conviction, “and to let yourself be loved.”_ _

__Jimmys breath hitched, and Robert noticed his eyes gloss over. Robert watch jimmy swallow thickly, watched as jimmy bit his lip, tearing it’s delicate skin. “Do you think I’ll ever be loved again?” Jimmys voice was rough with emotion._ _

__Robert felt his heart seize painfully, his own throat feeling raw, “of course jimmy, god of course you’ll be love. You already are loved, I love you, Pagey,”_ _

__Jimmy scoffed, “ not, not like that Percy. I mean will anyone ever love me romantically again, truly.”_ _

__Roberts soul hurt dimmed at those words, “I know someone who already does.” Robert admitted softly._ _

__The sound of traffic was starting to pick up, and the clouds where losing there vibrancy to a dull peach pink, more runners and dog walker where starting to walk past them on the trail behind them._ _

__It was time to go._ _

__

__June 14th, 1969_ _

__Roberts stomach twisted with nerves._ _

__He’d let this go on far to long. He had a promise to himself that he needed to keep, and Jimmy’s weigh had deteriorated way beyond the lines of healthy and into the boarders of an eating disorder. Robert wasn’t going to let Jimmy’s kill himself just because of the band. If Robert had to drag Jimmy to the hospital kicking and screaming, then he would. Robert didn’t care if it terminated their tour dates; Jimmy came first, and if Jimmy’s fainted on stage there would be a riot._ _

__Robert took a deep breath and entered he room they shared. The room was humid from the vapour coming from the bathroom and Jimmy poked his head around the corner to see who it was. He smiled when he saw Robert, but Robert couldn’t help find it empty on the hallow cheeks. Jimmy’s cherubic cheeks used to puff out like a youngster’s when he smiled and his eyes would almost close in his joy, glittering mischievously like Robert loved._ _

__“Give me a tic, I just bathed.” Jimmy voices rang from the bathing-room. Robert sat on his bed and clenched his hands on his knees nervously. He didn’t understand why this was happening, otherwise Robert would just helpe Jimmy, but Jimmy hadn’t even mentioned his own weight loss, acting as though it didn’t exist. Robert clenched his jaw impatiently, cursing Jimmy’s emotional constipation._ _

__Jimmy came out with his bathrobe wrapped tightly over his body, it’s tie clinching his waist to show just how thin he’d become. Robert looked away, trying to calm his frustration, knowing he wouldn’t accomplish anything with anger._ _

__Robert cleared his throat and looked up at Jimmy, but Jimmy wasn’t meeting Roberts eyes, “I, um, I actually got to talk to you about something Jimmy’s,”_ _

__Jimmy flashed his eyes to Roberts for a millisecond before looking away again. Jimmy didn’t understand why the heroine wasn’t calming his nerves anymore, he’d been raising his dosage and yet it still didn’t give him the peace he craved. And Jimmy needed peace and contentment now more the ever. Roberts sobering tone worried him, and doubts and scenarios started to rape Jimmy’s mind._ _

__“What is it.” Jimmy’s voice rang sharper then he’d intended. Robert ignored it and gestured for Jimmy to sit on the bed opposite of him._ _

__Robert grasped Jimmy skeletal hands in his own, ignoring Jimmy’s small flinch. Robert noticed he’d been ignoring a lot of things lately. “Jimmy,” Robert bit his lip. “You know I love you,” Jimmy nodded, although Robert knew he didn’t understand just how much and in what way. “Then You’ll understand where my concern comes from” Robert said slowly._ _

__Jimmy pulled back confused, did Robert know about Jimmy’s heroin use? “I don’t understand,” Jimmy contradicted, drawing his hands away from Robert, cowering away slightly when Robert stood up._ _

__Robert paced, his frustration and hurt growing, “look at you Jimmy! You as thin as a rake!” Robert grabbed Jimmy’s arm and pulled the sleeve of his robe back, exposing Jimmy’s bone thin arm. Jimmy ripped his arm away from Robert, standing up himself._ _

__“ I haven’t seen you eat in ages! Do you have a problem?! An eating-disorder? Jimmy do I need to get you help?” Robert asked desperately, grasping Jimmy’s shoulders and trying to catch his eyes._ _

__Jimmy shrugged Robert away from him, stalking to the other side of the room.  
“I’m fine Robert,” Jimmy echoed, retracing the words he once hated to hear._ _

__“Bloody hell Jimmy” Robert exclaimed, violently tearing open the front of Jimmy’s robe, exposing his chest. The bone structure of Jimmy’s chest was ghastly visible under once beautiful pale skin, “does this look fucking fine!”_ _

__Jimmy flinched away from Robert, and Robert drew back in pain, his heart being torn apart by the ravaging love he had for Jimmy. “ just let me help you Jimmy, pleases” Robert plead desperately._ _

__“I-I don’t need help Robert, I don’t have an eating disorder, Crowley,” Jimmy stuttered quietly. His body seemed to cave into its self, and Robert made up his mind, going into plane B._ _

__“I’m taking you to the hospital then” Robert promised into the dead silence.  
Surprise light through Jimmy, eyes finally looking up to Robert._ _

__“You can’t.”_ _

__“I bloody fucking will!” Robert grabbed Jimmy’s wrist tightly and began to drag Jimmy to the door, ignoring Jimmy’s histaric rambling, Jimmy planted his feet in the carpet and desperately tried to stop Robert.. Jimmy had never seen him like this.  
“-Robert please, please I’ll let you help me, please don’t take me to the hospital! Please, please!” Robert stop when Jimmy started sobbing, letting go of his now red wrists and crouching to the floor where Jimmy state collapsed._ _

__“What in gods name is happening Jimmy,” Robert voice was chocked with emotion, he held Jimmy’s tearful face in his hands, “what is happening,”_ _

__Jimmy held Roberts hands to his face, craving the contact disputed it being from the man who was causeing his panic. He didn’t know what to tell Robert. He couldn’t let Robert find out about the herion, robetr would take it away, and Jimmy would be left a heap of crumbled rubbles without it._ _

__“It’s the stress,” Jimmy decided, “ I don’t know how to deal with it Robert, every time we do a show I feel like I’m going to be sick; I feel like my stomach is caving in on it’s self. And all the tour dates we have, the expenses, the success of the album! before this it was all about the album, and I though that would go away when we finished, but it didn’t. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t do anything! It’s like a fucking cancer! It just keeps growing” Jimmy spewed panically, desperately trying to convince Robert that was all it was. The admission felt like breaching the water of the deepest ocean, and gasping, if only for a moment, fresh, lifeffuk air._ _

__Robert pulled Jimmy into his arms, holding him tightly, as though he was trying to hold Jimmy together. He rubbed Jimmy’s back, his stomach turning at the feeling of each individual vertibre running under his hand._ _

__“I’m sorry Jimmy, I’m sorry I didn’t help you sooner. I-i should have done somthing the second I noticed you losing weight;I shouldn’t have waited this long. God I’ve been a rotten friend.” Robert rocked Jimmy slightly, feeling as though he was holding a child. He heard Jimmy muffled protest in his shoulder, but Robert just shook his head and continued to hold him, blinking back tear._ _

__Robert pulled back and lifted Jimmy’s face to his own. Jimmy’s high had all but vanished and even as meek as the high had been in the first place Jimmy craved for another fix, his stomachs shriveling wi5 sharp pan of lust for the drug. Jimmy just clinched his teeth and tried not to look guilty under Roberts gaze._ _

__“Jimmy, we need to do somthing about this,” Robert said gently, a stark contrast to the strong desperate man he’d been moments ago. Jimmy nodded his head. “You know your too thin right, your not disillusioned other wise?” Jimmy shook his head hating how powerless and pathetic he felt. “You need to eat somthing Jimmy, even if it’s just somth8ng small, we got to get you used to eating again.”_ _

__“Robert-“ Jimmy began to protest, the reminder of the pain that acommpanied consumption still stark I. His memory._ _

__“Jimmy, I’ll be forced to bring you to the hospital if you don’t start gaining weight. Your withering away Jimmy. I- I don’t even know how you can still lift your guitar anymore.” Jimmy did now either; he barely could, after each show a darker bruise would form were his strap was. “Even if you just have some soup Jimmy; we’ll start light and small, okey? Just work with me mate.”_ _

__Jimmy’s eyes refelected the fear he felt, but he nodded nay how, “okey, okye, I’ll try okey. Just- just let me put on someclose, yeah?”_ _

__Robetr let of of Jimmy and blushed when he realized Jimmy was scantly dressed, only his robe barely covering him. “Of corse.” Robert mumble as Jimmy held the robe closer to him and disappeared into the washroom. Robert went to the phone, calling for room service, and answered the door when a maid arrived with a platter of soup and crackers. Robert thank here and turned to a lazily dressed Jimmy._ _

__“Just a little bit okey Jimmy,” Robert soothed, sitting down next to Jimmy on the bed. Jimmy’s cheeks flamed with humiliation. He despised how powerless he was, how childish he felt._ _

__Jimmy took the bowl of cream soup from Robert, feeling as though he was unhinging his jaw, and took a spoonful into his mouth. Jimmy Shut his eyes as his stumache tightened. He felt Roberts hand on his back, and took comfort from Roberts presence. Maybe Robert could help Jimmy kick the herion if he told him. Jimmy pushed the tough away, instead leaning closer to Robert and swallowing down another spoonful as though it was barbwire._ _

__Robert held Jimmy that night in his bed, trying to comfort Jimmy as the soup forced its way through Jimmy’s shriveled intestines._ _

__Jimmy woke the next day to the smell of sweet poradge, mint tea and Roberts naked ass getting dressed at the end of the bed._ _

__

__JUNE 18, 1969  
Jimmy sat on the toilte of their new hotel room. The world was dead at three in the morning, but Jimmy sat awake, fighting the urge to let himself have a fix._ _

__Robert lay asleep in their bed, snoring softly and blissfully unaware of Jimmy’s turmoil,Jimmy wouldn’t have wish it any other way, maybe except for him sleeping next to Robert instead of here._ _

__Robert had been letting Jimmy sleep with him on his bed ever sense Jimmy admitted to his insomnia. The presence of Roberts sleeping form was usually enough to get Jimmy through his second craving, but tonight Jimmy’s whole body shook with need._ _

__Jimmy reached over and plucked the needle from the counter, he’d already filled it mere minutes ago, but the liquid would begin to crystallize again if he didn’t use it tonight.  
Jimmy pressed on his arm trying to find an uncollasped vein to use. Jimmy grew impatient and squeezed is arm more firmly, after a moment a vein appeared and Jimmy inserted the needle without flinching._ _

__He waiting’s for the rush, waiting for even the most distant resemblance of a high, but all Jimmy felt was a hazy thoughtlessness. Jimmy got up jittery, pacing the short distance of the bathroom. He shoved his hand through his hair roughly, impatience grinding over him like sandpaper._ _

__Jimmy wrapped the needle in toilet paper and tossed it into the trash. Jimmy flicked off the light, quietly walking to the hotel door, Jimmy looked back at Robert, his heart clenching at the betrayal he was bestowing upon the man. Jimmy opened the hotel door and stepped into the hall, walking to Richard Coles room._ _

__He needed more._ _

__He needed his fix._ _

__

__JULY 30, 1969_ _

__Robert and Bonzo had left for the local pub, Bonzo boisting to a lady on his arm about his drum playing. Jimmy deciding to pack up his guitars and head for the hotel instead. Jonesy caught him just befor his car left and asked to join, not in the mood to deal with Bonzo’s antics._ _

__The venue had been incredible, there heavy vibe filling the stadium; each concert held more and more people, and although Jimmy knew it was a show of there success, he wished they could go back to the small concert halls, were the roar of the crowded made Jimmy feel on fire with passion, and the assistance of his needle wasn’t needed to numb his insecurities._ _

__Jonesy was quiet, and Jimmy could see him glancing at him from the corner of his eyes.  
Jonesy opens his mouth before deciding against what he was going to say and turn to look at the city lights again. The city was bright and bustling with night life. The stadium they were leaving was humming with swaems of patrons from the concert. _ _

__“Jimmy,” Jonesy had the type of voice that Jimmy associated with comfort and security, probably due to Jonesy history of glueing Jimmy’s broken pieces back together, “if something’s going on, you know you can tell me, right? You understand that I won’t judge you?”_ _

__Jimmy looked at Jonesy strangely, studying his friend angular face. “Of course mate, what makes you think otherwise?”_ _

__Jonsey stare into Jimmy’s eyes intensely, and Jimmy knew Jonsey detected Jimmy’s lie. Robert new Jimmy in an intimate way, one that was much like Jude and he shared, but Robert was naïve; Jonsey new Jimmy like a priest new his sinners, and it had created a bond that Jimmy sometime found bothersome. Jonesy came into Jimmy’s life at a time when Jimmy was a frail capsule of agony, and the medicine jonsey had offered insured he’d always be an ingrained part of Jimmy’s life. Jonsey had been there to pull Jimmy out from beneath the ticking sand drumming on his head, prehapes he’d beable to this time._ _

__“Jimmy are you doing drugs.” Jonesy flat tone chilled Jimmy. Jimmy was petrified, barely getting an incredulous ‘no’ out through his constricted throat._ _

__Jonesy eyes pinioned Jimmy to the spot, leaning closer to jimmy intimidatingly “don’t lie to me, James.” His voice had a dangerous warning under-toning it._ _

__Jimmy clasped his hands together to stop their shaking, swallowing thickly, “I’m fine, Jonesy.”_ _

__“That’s what Jude said too.” Jonesy stabbed lowly._ _

__Anger shot through Jimmy like a firey arrow, “how dare you!” Jimmy snarled quietly, his eyes glossing over._ _

__Jonesy turned just as harsh, a rare loss of control showing though his calm. “I dare because my friend has lost an alarming amount of weight in the last four months, Jimmy! That’s why I bloody well dare!”_ _

__“I said I’m fucking fine John!” Jimmy desperately wanted to throw himself out of the car, any where away from this division fashioning in his friendship._ _

__“Then give me your arm Jimmy; if your fine, give me your arm. And tell me,” Jonesy’s voice strained to a halt, hurt strangling his voice, “tell me I won’t find a dozen injection marks.” Jimmy couldn’t move, fear like ice encaging him. Jonsey would find much more then a dozen marks there._ _

__Jimmy didn’t move and Jonesy scoffed, “that’s what I thought. Jesus Christ Jimmy, what in the seven dimensions possessed you to do this? You know what herion does to people!”_ _

__Jimmy flinched under jonsey accusatory voice, trying to shield himself from the truth jonsey spoke. “You told me of how you spent a year trying to save your best friend from this drug, and now you want me to just sit back while it destroys you too?” Jonsey turned away from Jimmy with a sharp swish of hair, “like hell I will.”_ _

__Jimmy heard the insinuation in jonesy’s voice. He lunged across the car toward jonsey, gripping his arm, “Jonsey you can’t! You can’t tell Robert, okey? Promise me you won’t tell him, he- he wouldn’t know how to handle it, please. I can’t stand his disappointment.”_ _

__Jonesy shrugged him off, looking at Jimmy as though he’d lost it. Jimmy felt like a stranger under those eyes. “And what about me Jimmy? What about my bloody disappointment, what about my fear, Jimmy! I’ve known you for years, how do you expect me to handle this-“_ _

__“Don’t handle it, jonsey! Let me handle, I have it under control.” Jimmy said pleadingly. Jimmys dignity had already been buried under piles of rubbish._ _

__“You have it handled?!” Jonesy grabbed Jimmy’s arm and ripped the long sleeve back, exposing the inflamed track marks. The air evaporated from the cab of the car. Jimmy watched Jonsey’s eyes flit to each mark, silently county them, and Jimmy realized how similar his arm looked to Judes. Jonesy reached out to touch an old scar, but Jimmy ripped his arm away._ _

__“You need help Jimmy and I can’t help you by myself.” Jonsey admitted sadly. He seemed to disappear into his corner of the car, Jonesy slipping away from Jimmy as fast as the situation was. Jimmy’s heart beat impossibly fast as the car stop in front of the hotel and Jonesy stepped out, slamming the door behind him. Jimmy scrambled to follow, grabbing his guitar, and chasing after Jonsey._ _

__He forscfully turn jonsey around, startled to see tears in jonsey eyes. Jimmy cursed his own selfishness. “Jonesy, please just give me a couple months to clean myself up, please just a few months. That’s all I need, I promise.” Jimmy’s gut clenched as boisterous laughter echoed through the lobby behind him._ _

__Jonsey grabbed hold on Jimmy’s arm tightly, snarling to make his displeasure clear, “You have a month Jimmy, and that’s it.”_ _

__Jonesy nearly pushed Jimmy away from him as he stalked away to the elevator. Jimmy felt disgusting, feeling every inch of the pathetic junky he was. A hand clasped Jimmy’s shoulder roughly, and foul booze wafted Jimmy’s senses._ _

__“What was that all about mate,” Bonzo asked from behind jimmys shoulder._ _

__Jimmy cleared his throat roughly, lamely excusing, “erm, just didn’t see eye to eye on something, mate.”_ _

__

__Jimmy had tried to cut the heroine that night, he sat by the toilet, waves of déjà vu spurring through him as his hands shook, a bag of heroin held tightly in his hand. Every molecue in Jimmy’s body urged him to inject it into his viens, every bone felt as though it was snapping inorder to reach for the drug. And yet one seed of clarity whispered to Jimmy, more powerful then any shout could have been, telling him to wash it away, to tell Robert the truth, to let jonsey help him, to come clean, to be free._ _

__But jimmy had been free, and yet the chains that had been upon his feet opened only for a key he didn’t hold. Heroin had given him the numbness he needed to wrech his feet free, dispit the horrid pain his shackles caused him, jimmy had been able to walk for the first time I ages. Now he felt as though he was chained again, this time to a horrid beast that gave him wings to fly but didn’t warn him of the storm he was sailing into._ _

__Jimmy’s body rattled with pain, his breath gasping and sweat soaking his shirt. Jimmy opened the bag, and closed his eyes, imaging the gentle white powder flitter into the toilet, floating on the waters surface, before being swished away in the toilets current.  
Jimmy dumped the powder into his silver spoon, a flamed bursting to life under it, as jimmys own flame dwindled ever lower. _ _

__

__JULY 31, 1969_ _

__Robert and Jimmy lazed in bed on a rare hiatus in their tour. The next venue had been delayed, leaving Jimmy and Robert to stretch languidly under the soft covers, sipping on mint tea and picking at fresh fruit. The curtains were open to let in the early morning sun, and Robert had left the window ajar to let fresh summer air clear the recycled oxygen._ _

__Robert love the mornings when the air was damp and crisp, the sun yet to heat up the earth and draw humidity into the air. These mornings washed Robert anew, cleansing his soul in a meditating way, leaving him pleasantly cold and relaxed. Jimmy, Robert noticed, didn’t seem to find the same beauty in the earths slow wake. The hair on Jimmy’s arms stood like a frightened cat and Robert noticed the way Jimmy’s body shook with chills each time the wind blew a cold breath threw the open window._ _

__Jimmy wondered how it would be if Robert and him were together. Would they lounge like this on rainy mornings in jimmys boat house? Would they drink tea together on Roberts pourch, hudled under a throw to ward off the morning chills as the sun crawled over the hulls? Would Roberts smile shine brighter? Would Roberts eyes still have a wairy strain to them? Would jimmys arms be littered with track marks?_ _

__Jimmy slipped on a sweater, his nervse tingling as he felt Roberts concerned eyes on him, a feeling he’d become accustom to. Jimmy turned to meet Roberts stare, lifting an arched eyebrow in questions._ _

__Jimmy studied the contemplation on Roberts face before urging to speak his mind impatiently. Robert put his book face down (Tolkien), looking Jimmy over with his intense eyes; Jimmy squirmed self consously under Roberts inspection. He new what Robert saw; he saw a bag of rattling bones, pieces of decaying flesh still clinging on desperately. Jimmy came back to his place under the covers, wanting to hide himself from Roberts gaze._ _

__“Jimmy...” Roberts tone, made Jimmy’s stomachs sink with dread. He just wanted to relax; he didn’t want to be nagged or lecture, or reminded that he was burning away like a candle. Jimmy just sipped his tea. “You haven’t really gained any weight, Pagey. It’s- it’s been a couple few weeks mate, and you haven’t been eating much better.”_ _

__Jimmy didn’t meet Roberts eyes, knowing his pathetic lies would be shown in the hell fire burning within them. “I’m trying, Percy.” Jimmy abolished softly, pulling the blankets farther up his body to ward often wind. Jimmy felt like a setting sun being eclipsed by the moon._ _

__“I just,” Robert bit his firm pink lips, “I just think maybe we need some professional help, Jimmy. Maybe this isn’t just stress.”_ _

__Jimmy tensed. He knew that one look from a professional eye and he’d be blood tested, arms cleaned up, and shipped to an addiction center; and wouldn’t the press have a hay day with that, finally something genuine on Led Zeppelin to bitch about._ _

__“Your being dramatic, Robert,” Jimmy dismissed tersely, “my body is adjusting to a new schedule, that takes time.”_ _

__Robert looked away uncertainly, and picked up his book, wising he could press the subject.  
Perhaps if they were together, jimmy wouldn’t be buried under the weight of his own lies, perhaps Roberts eyes wouldn’t stare at his book unreading. Perhaps, if they were together, they’d be free. _ _

__

__AUGUST 13, 1969_ _

__Jimmy was terrifyingly aware of Jonesy monthing ticking away, each tick like the sound of another needle sliding from his arm on to the floor. Jimmy couldn’t see a future of himself living without his needle and silver spoon, and yet, Jimmy couldn’t see a furture of himself with it either. Everything Jimmy did lead back to herion. In the morning, when Robert made Jimmy eat some kind of substance, Jimmy would run to his needle afterward to sooth the pain. When Peter pulled Jimmy aside to talk about the bands rising fame and what that meant in the future, Jimmy went back to his needle to numb the anxiety. When the evening came, and they had a concert to perform, Jimmy went back to his needle to ease the terror._ _

__Jimmy wanted to curl into himself. He wanted to stab his needle right through his heart. Jimmy just wanted to disappear, and heroine wasn’t doing that anymore._ _

__When Jimmy mention the heroines ineffectiveness to Richard Cole, the roadie just rolled his eyes, and told Jimmy his tolerance had just risen. Rishard handed Jimmy a larger bag, telling him to take it in one dose. Jimmy grabbed at the bag like a rabid animal and stalked away from Richard, hating the man with his whole being._ _

__Jimmy locked the door to Roberts and his hotel room, ignoring the guilt that Robert would have to bunk with the others. Jimmy clutched the bag until his nails broke through the plastic and cut into his hand in cresent moon shapes._ _

__Jimmy locked his jaw in fruastraion. He cursed blasphemously, violently yanking his arm back and throwing the bag; it landed not a few feet away, laying innocently on the hotels capet. Panic flashed through Jimmy and in an instant he scrambled to pick up the bag, cradleing it to his chest. Realizing what he’d done Jimmy stumbled to the bed, collapsing onto it in a pathetic heap. He slowly curled into himself, his fetal position wrapping itself around the bag of heroin as though it was an embibical chord, giving Jimmy what he needed to survive._ _

__A tear rolled over the bridged of his nose, then another, and befor Jimmy could add anymore patches to support his crumbling dam, it broke open in a flourish, a stormy salt water flood breaking through Jimmy, damaging everything Jimmy had worked to build. Sobs wreaked Jimmy, rattling his boney figure like earthquakes of alienated emotion. It was to much, to fast, to strong; the gravity in the room felt amplified, weighing him down, collapsing his lungs, pressing his heart down until the last of his blood had been sapped from it. It left him dry and empty, aching and wanting and not knowing what for._ _

__Jimmy had fallen asleep to Roberts knocking and annoyed voice._ _

__

__AUGUST 17th, 1969_ _

__Jimmy’s eyes where held up with dark smudges of exhaustion. Not tieredness, no not when Jimmy slept most of the day away; no this was exhaustion, a hopeless lack of energy that showed in every move Jimmy made. Robert observed this as Jimmy sat across from him in a New York café, Jimmy nursing a black coffee that looked as though it held a whole sea each time he brought it to his lips. Jimmy’s dull eyes rarely meet Roberts, instead flitting around the room in lazy rotations. Robert ached to see lively pale jade eyes crinkle in amusement again, never wanting to look in to Jimmy’s misty dead eyes again._ _

__Robert cleared his voice, last nights concert leaving it slightly raw. Jimmy’s eye flashed to Roberts and quickly looked eles where. Robert remembered when Jimmy and him used to lay out in the sun on his farm for hours at a time just enjoying the sounds around them in comfortable silence; Robert remember watching the healthy rise of Jimmy’s chest as he breathed beside him, so alive and passionate, like no one else Robert had met. Now Robert feared hearing Jimmy’s quick shallow breaths, hated seeing his bones protrude with each creath he took; and yet Robert cherished each breath as through it'd be jimmys last._ _

__Robert didn’t believe jimmy. Jimmy was sick. Robert knew he was sick. Robert thought maybe jimmy really was just stress before, but now jimmy sat across him as a skeleton, as a sick person. Jimmy was hiding his sickness, lying to Robert. Robert couldn’t help but wonder if he was right, if jimmy really did have a eating disorder, or if perhaps he’d been laying on the drug to heavily. Robert wasn’t a total idiot; everyone in the band had a favorited party upper, even Jonsey had wine. But Robert didn’t think jimmy would lose control over cocaine._ _

__Robert had to break the silence as it wrapped around him like a cat does to a sleeping infant.  
“Jimmy…” Robert ask timidly. He despised how distant Jimmy was, how he locked himself way from Robert, and how Robert had to wacth it all happen like a setting sun. _ _

__Jimmy’s eyes wandered back to Roberts sluggishly, “yes, Robert?” Jimmy’s voice was like a breath of dust. Roberts longed for the warmth of Jimmy’s soft nasally tone._ _

__“what was jude like?” Robert asked, watching the tension slink up Jimmy like an electric eel. The first real emotion Robert had seen in weeks twisted Jimmy’s face painfully._ _

__Jimmy played with his wiry fingers, not looking at Robert. His mind was trying to process the question over the shock and grief lapping through him. “jude was…” Jimmy hadn’t thought of jude in months, his mind so intenet onkeeping him out of his mind, to bay off one more ultimate betrayal he was bestowing. “jude was like a thunder storm,” Jimmy admitted, his mind far, far away from New York, “he was so utterly devastating, beautiful and passionate and terrifying- absolutely terrifying.” Jimmy’s throat constricted, and he swallowed down the stone of emotion in his throat. “he was so bright, but he hide his light, I-I don’t know why, but when he did show it, it was so stark to his usual gloom, it was like a flash of stunning lighting in the darkness of a thunder storm.” Jimmy felt tears ride the edge of his eyes, tettering on falling._ _

__Jimmy lifted his eyes to gaze into Roberts, a spark of love jumping like a coal in a dying fire, despratly trying to keep the flame of life going. Jimmy wasn’t sure how many thing were on his list to live for, but Robert was at the top. Loneliness gleamed in Roberts eyes as he listened avidly._ _

__“jude had a terrible sense of humor, he would tell a joke and it would silence a room of laughing people.” Roberts breath caught as Jimmy’s eyes crinckled ever so slightly, “but I laughed everytime at his poor attempts, Shannon probably thought I just pittied the poor sod.”_ _

__Robert eyebrows frowned. Who was Shannon? Robert voiced his curiosity._ _

__Jimmy chuckled weakly, “Shannon was the singer of the band,” Jimmy considered Robert for a moment, befor a wishful pang prompted him to say, “you would have loved Shannon, he was the life of the party; but he was sharper then you,” Jimmy admitted, “he would snap harshly if he was cranky, not nearly as patient or optimistic as you are. He had a big heart though, and was gentle when it mattered.” Jimmy finally smile truly at Robert. It remined Robert of rays of sunshine breaking through the rain, illuminate the heavens tears a powerful gold. “jude was gentle too, gentle and cold as ice; like a snowflake. But I think he did that to protect me, wanted to keep me at arms length so I wouldn’t get ot invested in him.” Jimmy looked away, dark flat hair hiding him away. “it didn’t work, obviously.”_ _

__Robert bit his lip, wanting to inquire what jude was hiding from Jimmy but scared Jimmy would close up again. Robert hadn’t had a decent conversation with Jimmy compriseing of more then a dozen words in much to long. Robert dove in when Jimmy didn’t continue, “what, what was jude protecting you from, Jimmy?”_ _

__Jimmy’s faces crumpled, his face seeming to age right before Roberts eyes. “jude was addicted to heroin.” Jimmy whispered, as if only now coming to terms with the reality._ _

__Roberts felt as though his stomach had been scooped out and layed to waste on his lap._ _

__Roberts eyes tensed with fear, his eyes flickering to jimmys arm, but jimmy wore a long t-shirt. Jimmy waited to see conviction in Roberts sky blue eyes, but only weariness lingerd. “I spent the year I knew him trying to fix him, trying to glue him back together, all the while he was tearing himself apart.” Jimmy gulp, the memories to relative and painful, but he couldn’t stop. “I, I though maybe I could be enough for him, that, that my friendship could replace the drug, that maybe he could love me more then the heroin.” Jimmy whipped his tears away befor they could fall. He did understand his compulsion to confine in Robert, but a feeling of now or never left Jimmy grapeling for time. Maybe jimmy wanted Robert to make the connection, maybe he wanted Robert to make him clean again. “but I wasn’t.” Jimmy stare up at the ceiling, willing his emotion away. Jimmy knawed on his lip. “he kissed me the week before we’d leave for our tour, and the next morning,” Jimmy chocked on his word, gritting his teeth as the laceration on his heart gapped open, “Shannon told me he was d-dead.” Jimmy swallowed thickly, “he’d over dosed that night.”_ _

__Robert listen in horror, not strong enough to keep the tear from burning down his face. “oh god, Jimmy…” robert whispered._ _

__Jimmy stood up abruptly, his weak arms supporting him on the table, he cleared his throat and tone of emotion, “im, uh, im going to head back to the hotel,” Jimmy excused._ _

__Robert couldn’t let Jimmy slip through his fingers again, “Jimmy wait!” Robert hit the table in frustration when Jimmy walked out the doors, not having the penny to spare as a few nerby people looked to him wearily. Robert leaned his forehead on his hands, hiding himself in his golden tresses._ _

__

__AUGUST 19th_ _

__Jimmy sat on the bathtubs ledge, peeling off his sweaty stage shirt, and bending down to of his shoes. Jimmy’s body burned everywhere. The little muscle that wasn’t deteriating away was over worked from the concert and Jimmy felt faint as he slid off his pants and trousers, reaching over to turn on the fuaset to the tub. Jimmy shivered from the warm steam raising in the bathroom, his emaciated frame craving warmth his body could no longer provide.  
Jimmy reached for the bag on the marble counter, bitting his lip. Richard cole had told him to take this one in two dose’s, but Jimmy had barely felt the high when he’d done that before. With the larger needle Jimmy knew he wouldn’t have a problem with injecting it. _ _

__Jimmy closed his eyes; what if he overdosed? Jimmy thought about jonseys threat, the clock had run out; tomorrow Jonesy would take one look at Jimmy’s arm and the next Robert would be lugging him to a hospital. Jimmy swallowed back the hopelessness rising in him. If he overdosed… well Jimmy just wouldn’t let that happen._ _

__The bathroom mirrow was fogged up with mist, and Jimmy thanked the stars he didn’t have to see himself in it reflection. Jimmy new what he looked like, he didn’t need a mirrow to know his reflection was that of judes. Jimmy had let the guilt cripple him and strip him of his insides, he’d let it dry out his embalbed body until it no longer hurt him, until it was merely apart of him. Jimmy didn’t want to entertain the mirrow and see jude, but he also didn’t want to look into the mirrow and see a stranger._ _

__Jimmy melted the full does of heroin and let it drizzle into the suringe. Jimmy slide into the bath tube with an approving moan, his muscles seeping in the warmth. Jimmy searched his arm for a vien, but they all hide away below the needles reach. Grabing an elastic band, Jimmy tied it around his arm tightly. As the blood began to build up in a vien, Jimmy tried to slide the bevel of the needle into the vien, cursing as he missed. Jimmy withdrew it sharply and tried again with luck._ _

__Jimmy paused, his thumb on the plunger. The heroin glowed in the barrel of the needle as the light shone through it, illuminating its ominous colour. It was a different cut then Jimmy was used to, its colour a dark red in the suringe, but Richard cole promised itd do the trick. Jimmy had no choice but to trust him._ _

__Jimmy pushed the plunger down, winceing for the first time in months as the substance rust into his veins. Before Jimmy had a chance to slip the needle out of his arm, the drug ran him over like a freight train, crippling him. Jimmy was vaguly aware of his body sliding down the slope of the tube, his chin just above the water. Jimmy arm twitched, the needle there pulling shaply from where it was in his vien. Jimmy couldn’t feel anything, the water lapping against his numb body went unnoticed, and as a shiver crawled through him, Jimmy couldn’t feel the cold either. Jimmy lolled his head to look at his arm through heavily lidded eyes; the vein he injected into was a hideous brown colour. Jimmy struggled to stay awake, a distant part of his mind fighting the drugs consumption of his essence. Jimmy’s eye rolled to the back of his head helplessly, a violent shiver tearing threw him before he lost conscious._ _

__

__Robert sat on a grimy coach back stage, a lovely blond girl chatting about her love of the blues beside him. If itd been another time, Robert would be enamoured with her (if only for the evening), but alas, his mind was far off to where ever Jimmy might be, worry gnawing on his stomach. The lady seemed to get the hint, because she politely bid farewell and excused her self, probably going off to find Jimmy. Jimmy… Robert felt stress crease his face at Jimmy name, his insides twisting painfully for his friend. Robert felt so powerless in the situation, he knew Jimmy was lying to him, but what the truth was Robert felt stupidly oblivious to. Robert had never imagined he could feel like way; when robert had been singing in bars he imagined touring with a real band every night, imagined the happy abandon in which he’d live. Robert never imagined he’d feel so alone when he had his friends by his side._ _

__Robert had tried to find comfort with Jonesy, hoping Jonesy friendship would help bandage the wound in his heart cut by Jimmy, if only for a little while, yet Jonesy avoid Robert at every twist and turn, going to Bonzo instead. And when Robert went to Bonzo to feel the familiarity of his old true friendship, Bonzo’s sharp edges would ease Robert, Bonzo’s personality so unlike Jimmy’s it was refreshing, that is, until those sharp edges began to cut into Roberts wound and jimmys softness was ached for. Robert found himself staring off into space more often, less aware and interested in his surroundings and present joys then he was the past joys with Jimmy’s._ _

__Robert felt the couch beside him dip with another persons weight, and readidy himself to politely decline what lady had come to converse with him, he blached when he turned and meet Jonesy’s eyes. Confusion rolled through Robert._ _

__Jonesy looked uncomfortable, and itchy guilt seeming to burn the pads of his feet, as he switch his crossed legs. Robert didn’t have time for this, his whole soul scream to find Jimmy._ _

__“Robert, I need to speak with you, if you have a moment,” Jonesy murmmered haistly. Robert wanted to throw his pented up anger at Jonesy, to accuse Jonesy that he didn’t have much to say the past four weeks._ _

__Instead Robert hoisted himself off the coach, its old springs creaking in reilif, “actually,” Robert contradicated, “Im going to hit the sack early tonight,” robert had been doing a lot of that lately._ _

__Jonesy looked surprise with Roberts clear rejection, “wait, robert its important,” Jonesy plead._ _

__Anger lapped at Roberts voice as he sneered, “im sure it can wait a few more weeks.”_ _

__Robert exited through the back door, walking across the street; the hotel was only a few blocks away. Robert pulled out a ciggrette with jittery hand, striking a match a few times before it finally light. Robert dragged heaily on the fag, feeling the smoke burn his vocal chords on the way down to his lungs. Robert took comfort in the burn as he came up to the hotel, squahing the bud on the pavment befor entering the hotel._ _

__Robert nerves pulled him towards Jimmy and his shared room, needing Jimmy in sight like a mother does her child. Robert unlocked his room._ _

__Their room was dark, the only illumination coming from the city light shining through the open window, and lthe light pouring out from under the bathroom door. Robert pressed his ear against the door, listening for movement._ _

__Robert rapped on the door, “Jimmy? You in there mate?” cold depression slithered in roberts belly._ _

__Roberts hand rested on the door nob, knuckles white around it. He could leave, go back to the end of the tour party, let Jimmy have his privacy. Robert could relax with a joint and forget about his troubles for a little while._ _

__A strong compulsion urged Robert to open the door._ _

__Robert couldn’t comprehend what he saw when the door swung open, however, clear and obvious as the sun is in the sky, so was the needle stuck in Jimmy’s arm, hanging over the tubs side. Robert felt as though he was being hung, drawn and quartered._ _

__Reality smack Robert sharply, whiplash snapping him into action. He dropped hard onto his knees beside the tub, grabbing Jimmy’s arm gently, and sliding the needle from his arm before throwing it across the room. Robert swallowed his gag, ignoring the way Jimmy’s vein bulged with a sick black poison, and the track marks littering Jimmy’s arm like scratched shingles._ _

__Jimmy’s chest rose shallowly, his rib cage reaching out with each little gasp, the water rippling with each one. Robert jabbed a shaking hand into the pulse at Jimmy’s neck, gasping in reilf at the pulsing heart beat he felt there. A broken anguished sob tore from Roberts throat, terror gripping his racing heart tightly. Robert cradled Jimmy’s face, lightly lifting an eye lid. Jimmy’s eyes were rolled back, but his eyes flickered slightly. Jimmy was cold to touch, dispite the water still holding warmth, and his lips were a pale shade of blue._ _

__Robert pulled the plug, snacthing a towl from its rack, and lifting Jimmy’s wet weight from the tub, wrapping his naked body in the towel. Roberts teeth harshly abused his lip, holding back his tears. He swooped Jimmy’s frail body into his arms, cradling him to his chest._ _

__Robert lay Jimmy on his bed, grabbing the blanket from the other bed and laying it on top of Jimmy, trying to caccon him in as much warmth as he could._ _

__As Robert flicked on the lamp, the panic began to corse through him, he started pacing, tugging at his wild golden locks. Robert looked towards the bathroom, blanching as the needle thrown carelessly was visible. A helpless wail broke threw Roberts clenched jaw and tear began to fall from his eyes like rain. Robert whirled around to stare at Jimmy, clasping his hand over his mouth as another sob tried to break free. Robert reached for bedside phone, lifting off the receive and reaching to dial an emergency number. Robert looked over to jimmy; jimmy would never forgive Robert. Robert set the phone down and came to Jimmy on the bed, clasping his cold hands in his own, his fingers finding Jimmy’s steadying pulse._ _

__Robert was helplessly clueless as to what he was supposed to do. The strong part of him that wanted to phone the cops, to bring Jimmy to a hospital, was subbed by the fear of what would happen afterwards. Jimmy’s shallow breathing was beginning to even out, determining Roberts answer for him; he’d wait, but the millisecond Jimmy’s condition worsened Robert would phone in, damn the consequences._ _

__Anger was added to the brew of broiling emotion in Robert. Anger that Robert had foolishly be trying to help jimmy for weeks, trying to make him eat when Robert should have been trying to make him quite his adddiciton! Robert felt like a bafoon, weeks of wondering why jimmys body wasn’t kicking in and preserving fat, weeks of worring that he was doing something wrong, that he couldn’t help jimmy, weeks of constantly thinking about jimmys state of malnurionsid, when jimmy had been spending all those weeks lying to him. Jimmy betrayed Robert over and over; jimmy knew Robert was trying to help him; jimmy knew Robert had been ripping his nail off in worry; jimmy knew Robert had been straining his arm to jimmy, trying to reach him on his island of isolation. And yet jimmy lied, over and over and over!_ _

__Anger and hurt strangled Robert, stripping him down to the bone and leaving him exhausted.  
He couldn’t understand why jimmy didn’t just confine in Robert in the first place, why jimmy didn’t just seek help from Robert after his addiction had gotton out of hand. Did jimmy not trust Robert the same way Robert had trusted jimmy? A twisted storm of confusion and betrayal whirled in Roberts belly, making his stomach ach heavily. _ _

__Robert lay down next to Jimmy, keeping his pulse in his hands, watching the rise and fall of his chest. How could he have been so stupidly oblisous; he was worse then a blind man, for even they felt the rain when it fell. Robert was a fool. He was naïve, just as Jimmy had accused him so long ago. He’d been so caught up in the success of the band and their rising fame, he hadn’t thought to stop and think who was making it all possible. He’d been blind to the extent of harm the stress was causing Jimmy until he noticed his weight loss, and even then, Robert had been oblivious; good god, of course Jimmy hadn’t lost all that weight because of bloody stress. Robert wonder how long this had been going on. Gauging from the track mark, Robert guessed for far to long. Guilt festered in Roberts chest like mold, quickly growing and infecting all parts of him. Robert felt his tears begin to slide across his face once again, staring at Jimmy’s. He looked so similar to a corpse that Robert hand to hold Jimmy hand tighter to reassure himself that he was in fact alive._ _

__Robert had never meet some with an addiction to heroin, he’d never even seen someone high on it, or perhaps he had, but was to naïve to noticed. Whether Jimmy was overdoseing or this was just how the high went was as good a guess as any to Robert._ _

__Robert tried to block out the pain, futily. It was all coming to him in waves, each more granduous and destructive then the last, building to tusnmaious hieghts and drowning Robert in its salty confines. And Robert allowed it to cripple him, if only for the moment_ _


	2. Dawning Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this took way too long. But I really wanted this chapter to be as good (if not better) then the last chapter. So be prepared for lots of emotions and some mature subject matter. 
> 
> As always I do not own Led Zeppelin or anything that is associated with it. No harm or defamation is intended by this Fanfiction. Take all information in this story with salt. Addiction is not funny; if you have an addiction, get help.
> 
> Alright now! Without further ado, Dawning...

AUGUST 20th, 1969 

Jimmy felt a fuzzy awareness gently guide him awake; like a camera trying to focus its lenses, Jimmy blinked his eyes open. He pulled back the hotel blankets, confusion echoing through him. 

Jimmy hadn’t been entirely positive that he’d be waking up after he lost consciousness last night. Jimmy had been entirely sure, however, that if he did wake up it wouldn’t have been for many hours, and that he’d come to in a cold hotel tub; not, he noted, naked in his bed. 

Jimmy rubbed his eye, everything was far to bright, far to quiet, far to complicated. Jimmy pulled the covers back over himself, tugging them slightly has they caught under Roberts weight. Jimmy felt himself float down stream into blissful sleep. 

Jimmy awakened sharply the second time. His body ached as Jimmy’s muscles twitched, coldness chilling his body like a ghost caress. Jimmy froze when he realized Robert was sitting at the edge of the bed, oblivious to Jimmy’s consciousness. Oh god, Jimmy realized. Robert had found him. Robert had found Jimmy cold and naked in a bathtub with a needle in his arm. 

Sickness boiled in Jimmy’s throat. Robert startled, twirling around as Jimmy scrambled from the bed, horrid reacting echoing from the tile bathroom as he hurled bile into the toilet. Jimmy comprehended a sheet draping over his naked body and felt Robert press behind him, gently collecting Jimmy’s hair away from his face. Jimmy’s heaving breaths shattered as he began to sob into the toilet, raw cries that wracked through his body. Jimmy felt Robert kneel beside him, drawing Jimmy into his arms and cradling him there as Jimmy broke down. 

Each sob was like a flog on Roberts heart, every damaged hitch in his breath crushed Robert. Robert had never felt a betrayal so profusely; it’d never torn his heart like a rabid dog does a squirrel. Robert still felt dazed, confusion still muddling his mind. What was he supposed to do? How was he supposed to help Jimmy- save Jimmy?

Robert thought of Jude, cursing how the tables had turned. Robert cursed and damned the world bitterly, hating the peacefulness of the morning, the gentle breeze of autumn creeping in, hating the laughter of yester-year and loathing the chills of near. Robert wept silently, holding Jimmy closer. 

Jimmy was petrified. Everything he’d feared happening was in the works, the wheels turning. Jimmy felt Robert nuzzled Jimmy’s neck, his tear wetting Jimmy’s skin, Robert breath hitching; Jimmy was hurting Robert, and it was his doing, through and through. Jimmy wished he’d never been born, if only to spare Robert these tears. Jimmy pulled back, steading his quivering lip with his teeth. Roberts eyes were a terrible pink, fatigue and pain straining them. Jimmy cradled Roberts plush face, marvelling the feel of Roberts skin underneath his hands, the smooth realness of his warm skin startling Jimmy. It was as though a fog had lifted from Jimmy’s mind as he gazed at Robert, his bony pale hand a ghoulish contrast to Robert golden skin. Tears squeezed from Jimmy’s eyes, and an ach panged behind them. Jimmy’s thumb stole a tear off track from Roberts face, and Jimmy, gathering all his strength and conviction and guilt, murmured brokenly, “I’m so sorry Robert,”

A sob plunged past Roberts lips, but Robert just shook his head, “it’s not okay, James, Jesus Christ, none of this is okay,” Roberts voice crackled like a fire, “but, I promise you, by god I promise you with my life, that it will be okay. I’m going to save you Jimmy, I promise.” Robert felt as through be was going to crumble to dust, all the energy sapping out of him, but the hope that dimpled Jimmy’s faces gave him strength. 

“Robert I-“Jimmy tried, but Robert stopped him. 

“not right now Jimmy, just… not right now,” Roberts voice was dripping with exhaustion. Robert lifted himself from his bruised knees, grasping Jimmy’s hands and pulling him to his feet. He helped Jimmy to the sink and leaned against the door while Jimmy brushed his teeth. Robert lead Jimmy back to bed afterwards and helped him put on warm clothing. Robert had thought of leisurely pulling a robe from Jimmy’s shoulders many times before, but he’d never imagined he be pulling it down from skeletal shoulders and helping Jimmy put on clothes because his friend was to weak to do so himself. 

Jimmy was panting slightly when he laid back on the bed, clothed in joggers and a sweater. He could feel a craving beginning to harass his mind. He closed his eyes against the itch. He wanted Robert to hold him close, and yet he wanted to be alone, far, far away from anything with a beating bloody heart. Robert noticed Jimmy’s discomfort, the way Jimmy’s dark brows frown and his lips tightened. 

Robert laid a hand on Jimmy’s thigh, making Jimmy’s eyes flicker to him, “are you alright?” Roberts eyes were tense with concern and Jimmy hated himself for not realizing what he was doing to Robert. He wasn’t going to lie to him any more, no matter how much the truth may hurt Robert, Jimmy’s wretched lie would create irreversible scars. 

Jimmy clenched his eyes not brave enough to face Roberts disappointment, “it’s the withdrawals,” Jimmy abolished, tense, his muscles beginning to tremble. 

Robert frowned, “Jimmy, just wha exactly are you taking?” that question was spoken reluctantly. Jimmy lifted himself on his elbows, searching Robert strangely. 

“you don’t know?” Jimmy asked doubtfully, Robert narrowed his eye warningly. Jimmy was tempted to down play it as cocaine, but the truth would spread its roots until it reached the light of day anyhow. Jimmy sigh tiredly, “heroin, Robert.”

Jimmy crumpled a little inside as Robert recoiled, disgust twisting his face hideously, “heroin!” Robert hissed, “you had to choose heroin, Jimmy?! What about everything you told me about Jude!?” 

Jimmy’s body wired like a broken circuit instantly, and he struggled to sit up in fury, growling at Robert as he did so, “don’t fucking bring Jude into this,” Jimmy hissed viciously, his dark hair swerving, “you didn’t fucking know him, you don’t fucking understand!” Jimmy’s breathing was coming in heavy shallow gasps, the effort of his anger diffusing quickly, “don’t… don’t bring him into this, you don’t understand why we did it…” Jimmy huffed, his chest rising sluggishly. 

Robert bit his lip, Jimmy’s anger subduing his own, reminding Robert that he barely knew the situation, “I’m, look I’m sorry Jimmy, I just,” Robert huffed dejectedly, “I don’t know what to do,” Robert kneed his eyes with his palms.

Jimmy looked away, collapsing onto the bed; Jimmy knew how to help himself, but that didn’t mean he had to like it. The weak part of Jimmy wanted to let Robert struggle with this so Jimmy would be able to creep back to his needle, but as Jimmy gazed at his mutilated arm, ghastly track marks that oozed and scabbed, track marks Jimmy had promised he’d never allow to appear, he felt a sinking resolve. He’d sunken to the bottom of the sea, and it was time he unravelled the anchor from his ankle. “I know what to do,” Jimmy admitted, gripping his scared arm tightly to avoid scratching the growing itch. “cold turkey.” Jimmy said softly. 

Roberts frown deepened, “pardon?” Robert questioned.

Jimmy dragged his hand through his hair, “just cut me off, don’t let me touch it. That’s the only way,” Jimmy’s eyes clenched, like it pained him just to admit it. 

Robert studied Jimmy, his frail form sunken into the bed, blankets swallowing him, his face an art piece of stress, “you make it sound too easy,”

“because it is,” Jimmy snapped back, his face instantly dampening apologetically, “I’m sorry,” Jimmy sighed, tugging his hair gently, “your right, its not easy; simple, but not easy. Its excruciating,” Jimmy whispered, anguish in his eyes as he stared at Robert pleadingly, “it feels like every bone in your body is shattering, like every organ is exploding. You can feel the nerves in your very teeth alight with desire. And yet you still want to do it, I still want to stick a needle in my arm and start the whole damn prosses all god damn over again!” Jimmy clenched his teeth frustrated by how powerless he was against the drug. “and that’s only after a couple hours, I’ve never gotten past that,” Jimmy whisper, turning his head away from Robert, ashamed of his addiction. 

Roberts lips quivered, his chin shrivelling, “I’ll help you Jimmy, I promised I’d help you and I will. I’ll help you through the pain Jimmy, and what ever come after that,” Robert leaned over Jimmy, gently directing his face back toward him, cradling his sunken cheeks, “we’ll get past this okay? Its just another chapter.” 

A soggy laugh bubbled from Jimmy’s lips, his eyes crinkling from the waves of emotions cascading over him, “I don’t like this chapter,” he whispered softly, his words blowing over Roberts face gently. Robert was inches way from Jimmy’s lips, if he just lowered himself the slightest bit, Jimmy himself was slightly craning his neck… 

Robert closed his eyes and pulled back slightly, ignoring the twist in his heart as Jimmy’s eyes flickered away, dejected. It wasn’t the right time for this. “Jimmy, I…”

“I think I’m going to try to sleep through the first of the withdrawals,” Jimmy said tersely, pain of the rejection and need pulling at his intestines. Jimmy could help but scoff at himself; why would Robert want a helpless junkie like himself? Jimmy knew what he looked like, and any person with at least one working eye would be repulsed by Jimmy, Jimmy knew he himself sure was. Jimmy rolled to his side away from Robert and gripped his pillow as the ache tightened. He grinded his teeth, wishing he could sleep it all away. He felt Robert lay a hand on his shoulder, the weighty warmth grounding Jimmy as his sea of pain began to grow stormy. Jimmy bit his lip, Pride causing him to hesitate, “can you just, can you just hold me please? Just distract me from the pain. Please Percy,” Jimmy whispered, curling into himself as a craving kicked him in the gut. 

Jimmy felt Robert wordlessly wrap himself around Jimmy, holding Jimmy’s blanketed form close to his chest. 

Jimmy wept. 

 

AUGUST 22nd

Jimmy’s skin was clammy, chills curling through him. Robert held Jimmy’s hand, letting Jimmy clench his hand painfully when the agony rippling through his body became to much. Jimmy’s chest heaved laboured breaths, his face flushed and sweating, despite the coldness clinging to his bones. 

The room had been silent save for Jimmy’s moans and breaths since the morning, and every moment Robert sat their helplessly, giving Jimmy what ever strength he could, he felt a new untouched part of his heart break, place Robert didn’t know could snap. 

A strangled wail broke through the room, and Jimmy began to mumble incoherently. Robert grasp Jimmy’s shoulders to turn him on to his back, shaking him slightly to wake him from his favoured rest

Robert began to say Jimmy’s name when the others babbling became more coherent.

“ahh, I, I can’t do it, no, Robert please, please, just lemme…. Just lemme have…” Jimmy’s eyes fluttered open blurrily, “Robert you have ta lemme have it, I need it. My stomach is burning Robert I need it, I’m going to burn, I, I can feel the fire.”

Robert froze, petrified. 

“Robert!” Jimmy strangled voice cried harshly, “I need it, you need to give it to me. You can’t do this to me, your killing me.” 

Robert bit his lip firmly as his throat constricted. He push Jimmy gently back into the bed, smoothing his glorious black locks from his face, “you don’t need it Jimmy, your going to be okay, I promise your going to be okay.”

Jimmy shook his head frantically, “no Robert, no my stomach is burning Robert, i need it, please Robert, please,” Jimmy began sobbing, “don’t do this to me Robert please, please, please…”

Robert pulled Jimmy into his arms, muffling Jimmy’s begging into his chest. Robert felt shredded, like he was pushed through a meat grinder and there was no way to stitch him back together. Tears soaked the pillow as he listened to Jimmy beg him, until Jimmy finally fell asleep exhausted. 

 

The next time Jimmy woke up he was scrambling for the washroom, Robert still blinking sleepily in bed when Jimmy knelt to the toilet. Robert sat with Jimmy for hours as he emptied his bile into the toilet, not daring to leave the washroom until he was sure he was done. 

“Jimmy,” Robert sigh wearily. “I think we need some help,”

“I’m not fucking go to the hospital!” Robert recoiled from Jimmy’s razor sharp voice. Jimmy looked shocked, then regret creased his eyes, “I’m sorry Robert, I, I didn’t mean…”

Robert shook his head, “it’s alright, I know it’s the withdrawals.” Jimmy looked away, ashamed of snapping. “I didn’t mean the hospital, Jimmy. I meant Jonesy or Bonzo maybe.”

Jimmy bit his lip, pushing his hair behind his ears; it was bad enough that Robert had to see Jimmy so low, the idea of another person seeing Jimmy such a mess set knots in his chest. 

“I, I don’t know Robert,” Jimmy admitted nervously, he clutched his stomach and leaned into the wall as pain rocked through him. 

“It’s alright Jimmy,” Robert looked away. 

Jimmy felt his stomach clench, it wasn’t all right, none of this was alright. Jimmy grinded his teeth before saying, “Jonesy know,” Roberts hair swished with the sped in which he looked up, “you can ask him.”

Emotion twisted Roberts face at unidentifiable sped until Rage slowly morphed Roberts features dominantly, “Jonesy knows… Jonesy fucking knew!” Robert sprung up from his seat of the bath tube ledge, “Jonesy fuckin’ knew and he didn’t do shite about it?! What the fuck, Jimmy!” Robert paced angrily to the door. 

“Robert,” Jimmy gasped as nausea drew him back to the toilet. “Robert wait, please,” but Robert was already gone, the hotel door slamming behind him. Jimmy rested his cheek against the porcelain bowl, his eyes sliding shut. 

Robert came back with bruised knuckles. 

Jonesy never ended up helping. 

 

AUGUST 26th- SEPTEMBER 18th 

Robert and Jimmy caught a private flight back home when Jimmy’s withdrawals no longer brought him to his knees. 

The last six day had sapped Robert and Jimmy to the marrow of their bones. Robert felt the bags beneath his eyes weigh his face down. Robert had barely managed to catch a wink of sleep, and his eyes lids felt skinned; Jimmy’s withdrawals had retched its peak on the third day, his sickness, nervousness and sleeplessness heighten to make Jimmy a possession of the heroin’s lust. 

As Jimmy and Robert flew across the great pond back to England, Jimmy had been an object of listlessness. Without the withdrawals drawing aghast groan and begs from his lips, Jimmy was spectre-ishly silent. It’d unnerved Robert to no end when he’d called for Jimmy’s attention and was meet with unseeing eyes. 

When Jimmy went home with Robert, to his farm, Jimmy hadn’t protested, hadn’t fought, hadn’t said more then passing words to Robert. Robert fought the urge to confront Jimmy, instead he let Jimmy drift aimlessly through the house, only checking on Jimmy when the silence created a festering worry in Robert. He tried to tell himself that Jimmy need time and space to comprehend what he’d been through, but Roberts mind was starting to become antsy with unanswered questions.

Robert figured Jimmy’s depression was a reasonable reaction after months of his life being vacuumed into a drug dazed whirl; but when Robert woke up in the early hours when the moon and stars still ruled the sky, he’d been startled to see Jimmy in the living room reading instead of sleeping in his guest room. after three night of Robert finding Jimmy’s bed empty, he concluded Jimmy’s insomniac tendency was a result of the withdrawals. Robert began to wonder if the depression was a withdrawal symptom too.

Robert force Jimmy to eat at least three meals a day, and in the beginning it’d been horrid, for the first four days Jimmy’s meal wouldn’t stay down for more then ten minutes (Robert had switched to making soups after the first time). Yet, as the week wore on Jimmy’s stomach began to strengthen, and with his body finally absorbing some nutrients his skin had stared to lose its greyish hue. Despite Roberts enthusiasm and praise to Jimmy, the raven culprit remained indifferent to his healing. 

After two weeks of Jimmy’s lifeless behaviour Robert began to feel his well of patience to dry up. Between Jonesy’s phone calls (which Robert stubbornly refused to answer) and Jimmy’s toddler like behaviour Robert was surprised it hadn’t happened sooner. Robert began to drag Jimmy to town, regardless of Jimmy grumbling, and pulling Jimmy into engaging activities, whether it was shopping, tending to the stables, helping with dinner, or even playing music, Robert refused to let Jimmy mope around to house. 

Robert figured Jimmy just needed to keep busy, and in no time his old self would begin to peak through the dark clouds. Robert couldn’t have been farther fetched. Jimmy began to snap at Robert, trying to distance himself further from Robert, to the point where Jimmy would ignore when Robert invited him to town and instead walk away from the talking man. Jimmy snarled at every attempt of companionship Robert offered him, any intimacy shown was spat on and buried under scorn. 

Jimmy felt like a child. He felt weak. He felt shameful. He felt pathetic. Jimmy wanted to hide himself from prying eyes, he wanted to find glory in his own company, without the judgment of others; Jimmy saw to way people stared at him when Robert dragged him to town cause he didn’t think Jimmy could handle himself, people saw him as the derisory junkie he was. Jimmy knew he was still a junkie; he’d always be one; as long as the burning itch in his arm continued Jimmy would always be a junkie.

There were times when the itch became so insistent Jimmy would scrub his arm under burning hot water just trying to rid himself of the ants crawling beneath his skin. And when the water had scorched Jimmy’s arm red and sensitive and the itch remained, Jimmy would scratch at it helplessly into the early hours of the morning, falling asleep restively with blood under his nails.

The ache in Jimmy’s heart, the heavy, straining tug of darkness on his soul remind Jimmy of why he’d ran to heroin in the first place. Jimmy didn’t know how to cope with the waves of emotions that gagged him so sharply with out the numbing serum of heroin. There were many time Jimmy thought back to the night in the hotel bathroom, wondering what it’d have been like to simply sail into oblivion and never wait up.

Robert? what did Robert know about anything? Jimmy could barely stand the presence of his friend anymore, the weight if Roberts disappointment like deep sea pressure. Robert couldn’t understand Jimmy, he couldn’t understand why he’d done it, what it was like, how it felt, and Jimmy wasn’t going to try to explain his sob story to deaf ears. Robert would only hear the words of a deranged junkie, and all the pain and sorrow Jimmy was trying to swim above would be thrown back in his face.

Robert had been a storm of silent anger and bitter hate. He hated the world for bringing these dark clouds into his cloudless sky, he hated the world for making those dark clouds rain on Jimmy. He felt hated that when he forced an embrace on Jimmy, he could feel the bones in his back. He hated that when he sat Jimmy down at their table and Jimmy would look away from his plate of food, stare away into the fields like he’d rather be any where other then with Robert (and although the defiance was some sign of life, it boiled anger deep in Roberts belly). Robert hated when Jimmy refused to eat after gentle prompting that would gradually become an angry demand. Robert hated Jimmy for doing this to him. 

Robert doesn’t remember exactly what caused the explosion, but Jimmy had been having a tough morning (tougher then usual, Robert supposed), and Robert had smoked at least a dozen cigarettes since he’d woken up. Maybe it was Jimmy refusing to eat that morning, maybe it was Robert burning the toast, but Robert had snapped at Jimmy and Jimmy had snapped back like a leather whip. 

“I was bloody fuckin’ happier with my heroin!” Jimmy screamed, his eyes dark, hair framing his face like a veil. His nails sliced into his palms, a cool pain in a burning fire of anger. 

Silence chocked the room after the pitching ring of Jimmy’s voice disappeared. 

“Tell me your fooling.” Robert sizzled with anger, unconsciously taking an aggressive step toward Jimmy “tell me that was a fuckin’ joke, James!” Robert clenched his teeth painfully.

“like hell it was! I don’t need your pity Robert” Jimmy spat his name like venom, “I’m not a pathetic bloody infant and you’re not my bloody mother! I don’t need you Robert; I need my fuckin’ heroin!” Jimmy was gesticulating wildly, more passion then Robert had seen in months and it was all the hate Jimmy had in him aim at Robert. Somewhere in his mind Jimmy knew it wasn’t true; no matter how miserable he felt right now; Jimmy had never felt so depressed then he had on heroin. But months of frustration and dysphoria where all coming back to Jimmy in electrical storm of fury.

“You were fucking half dead when I found you with your heroin!” Robert rounded on Jimmy, unleashing his bitterness and frustration of the past weeks on Jimmy, “you were naked and shivering in a hotel bathtub. And you know what James; you were pathetic, you still bloody are. I watched you rot away for months without understanding why! You called not being able to eat happiness? Do you call not being able to play guitar happiness?! Do you want to be DEAD!” Roberts raspy voice ripped apart the homes usually hopeful atmosphere. Jimmy had begun to shrink away from Robert as the mans word lacerated his heart, but the cold anger in Roberts eyes hadn’t defused yet. Roberts eyes bore into Jimmy’s tear-filled ones, uncaring of his cruel words, “just fucking tell me now, James. Do you want to live, cause if you don’t, tell me before I waste anymore of my time!” Robert grabbed his mother’s crystal ash tray from the counter and watched as it shattered against the wall with the force of his throw, ash and glass scarring the floor. “I fucking hate you” Robert snapped his mouth shut, his teeth clacking. The fire in his eyes was gone. 

“I’m sorry,” Jimmy breathed out, eyes fearful as they stared at Robert wired and hostile form. Jimmy knew Robert wasn’t a fighter, but he’d thought Robert wasn’t a shouter either, and if Robert decided to throw a punch Jimmy would be helpless to defend himself (although Jimmy wouldn’t blame him). Jimmy couldn’t help but wish Robert had just beat him black and blue instead of admitting what he had.

Robert seemed to have finally realised what he’d said, his eyes widening in horror, and he stumbled back, away from Jimmy’s defensive form. 

“Jimmy, I…” Robert paused, not know where to begin cleaning up the mess he’d created. Jimmy’s heart was bleeding everywhere, and Robert new that blood stains like this never came out. Robert turned, grabbed his keys and promptly left the house. 

Robert didn’t return till the early stretches of dawn, his clothes reeking of whisky and the dirty scent of pub dwellers. Jimmy waited for him, letting Robert lean on his weak form as they stumbled up the stairs to Robert room. 

 

SEPTEMBER 18th 

Roberts pulsating head greeted him in the early morning, the room still baring a musty darkness. Robert willed his eyes close in discomfort. Everything felt uncomfortable; his skin felt chafed by his denim jeans and his muscles in his legs where taut and tense. Robert pushed strands of dark hair from his dry mouth, only then noticing the sleeping form before of him. 

Jimmy’s soft breaths came as music to Robert ear, the gentleness of Jimmy’s sleeping body stirring Roberts soul. Roberts harsh words of yesterday began to seep back into his mind like poison and Robert felt guilt like sap immobilize him. Robert palmed his eyes as tears began to slip from them, wondering how in the world he’d let them get to this. Robert had failed Jimmy, and he couldn’t even imagine where to start mending the bleeding gash between them. Robert tried to stifle the mournful song in his throat, not wanting to disturbed Jimmy more then he had. 

He failed at that too.

Jimmy roused, a raspy grunt escaping him as he tried to focus his hazy mind. Jimmy turned to his other side, blankets pulling with him, intending to fall back to sleep when he notice Robert shaking form.

“Percy?” Jimmy’s voice was a raspy murmur and rubbed his eyes in the dim light.

Robert gasped a shuttering breath, a sob shaking his heart and his body, “oh god Jimmy I’m so sorry, I’m so, so sorry Jimmy.” Robert was a gasping mess, eyes stream with endless streams of hot regret. “I-I never meant a-any of it, j-Jimmy.” 

Jimmy’s face pinched at the reminder of Roberts words, the hate Robert had thrown at him still flogging his spirit. Jimmy had half the mind to up and leave, but the quite hitch of Roberts breath soften Jimmy’s resolve. Instead Jimmy wiggled right up to Robert, enfolding him in the tightest hug he could manage, clenching his jaw against his own tears. “I know Robert, I know, I’m sorry too.” Jimmy whisper as Roberts strong arms wrapped around Jimmy to cradle Jimmy to his chest. He felt like a child in Roberts arms, wrapped in warmth and sanctum, like a babe cradle by the never-ending love of her mother.

Robert pulled back and cradled Jimmy’s face with his hands, forcing all attention between them, “listen Jimmy, it was all a lie, not a single word of it was true,” desperation cracked Roberts voice, “I don’t care if you want to live or not, I will never, ever let you go. Your too precious to me, do you understand Jimmy?” Roberts eyes searched Jimmy’s frantically for convictions, but Jimmy’s bottom lip was wobbling dangerously, and his eyes were casted else where. Jimmy gently grasped Robert wrists and move his hands from his face.

Jimmy didn’t believe him. 

Robert cursed the tears that slid across his nose, “Jimmy please, I was blindly angry, I didn’t mean a word of it,” Robert leaned over Jimmy slightly, trying to grab Jimmy’s attention. 

Jimmy looked to Robert, a shuddering breath leaving his lips, “things like that don’t come from nowhere Robert,” Roberts faces was aghast, “and, and I-I don’t blame you for say those things either; I-I haven’t been the most helpful of people lately,” Jimmy gave a wet laugh.

“Jimmy I,”

Jimmy cut him off, this was Jimmy’s time to come clean, and if he didn’t admit it now, Jimmy had no doubt Robert and him would circle around to another useless fight, “you were right Robert, I-I don’t really want to live right now,” Jimmy’s voice was like shattered glass and Robert felt every shard barrow into his flesh.

“I’ve just felt so low lately, and I don’t know whether it’s a withdrawal or if its because I spent the last few months a slave, but I haven’t felt a shred of happiness in ages, and right now I can’t see past the clouds surrounding me. I keep thinking that maybe it would have been better if you hadn’t found me that night in the tub; that it’d been better if I’d have just-,” Jimmy chocked on his words not able to continue. Instead he rubbed his burning tears away and tried again. “And I know you’ve been trying to pull me through, and Crowley, Robert its like I’ve done everything in my power to resist you, and I am so sorry for that. I, I just feel so pathetic,” Jimmy hated himself in that moment, he felt so ugly and bare naked. “and I cant, I cant stop thinking about the heroin,” Jimmy admitted, his eyes staring at Robert but his gaze far way, “my arm just itches and I cant get rid of it no matter how much I scratch, Percy. I feel like I’m going nut.” Jimmy clutched his arm tightly. Robert could see the wretched scratch marks there, his stomach to dropping like and elevator stopping. 

Robert pried Jimmy’s fingers away from his forearm, his face twisting with sickness at the inflictions on Jimmy’s arm, “Jimmy…”

“I don’t know how to escape this Roberts, its like I’m finally free of prison but they forgot to take off the shackles.” Robert was still holding Jimmy’s arm, “but I need you Robert, I need you so much, I don’t know what I was saying last night, but it was all wrong. I’ve never felt more hopeless because of heroin, and the only reason I’m not in a morgue right now is because of you, so please Robert, please don’t give up on me. I love you so much, Robert.” Jimmy’s face was wet and red and puffy, and his voice cracked like a teenager, but Robert thought Jimmy had never looked more beautiful. 

Roberts brain short circuited when Jimmy leaned up, wet firm lips pressing warmly against Roberts. Jimmy’s lips move meticulously against his own, the soft barely there glide sending a tumble of emotion in Robert tummy. 

The room was completely still, even the dust seemed to settle. Only the sound of breathing and racing hearts heard. Jimmy began to pull away when Robert remain frozen, but Roberts mind kicked into gear and followed Jimmy’s lips, pressing Jimmy against the bed. A humph escaped Jimmy and Robert pressed on with new vigor, pulling on Jimmy’s bottom lip. Robert could feel Jimmy’s tears on his cheeks when he eclipsed the plush pads of Jimmy’s lips again. 

When Robert reluctantly pulled back, Jimmy had his eyes closed, his lip shinning and parted. Robert pecked his lips again. And again. And still even more until Jimmy was a giggling mess. 

“Robert,” Jimmy whined against Roberts lips, laugher in his voice. Roberts heart flutter, a light easy feeling chasing away the gloom.

“I love you,” Robert whispered, continuing to litter Jimmy with kisses, “I love you, and I love you, and I’ll always love you no matter what.” Robert finally pulled back. 

“Robert,” Jimmy whispered, “Robert”

Robert search Jimmy’s eyes, waiting for Jimmy to continue, 

“never give up on me.”

“never”

Jimmy closed his eyes, peace filling him as his mind followed the sensation of Roberts wandering finger tips. 

 

SEPTEMBER (18) 31st 

Robert and Jimmy had spent most of the yestermorning and afternoon in bed, letting the looming conversation fall to the side as the wound between them was stitched with slow kisses and gentle embraces. Robert had eventually gotten up to cook breakfast for them and was washed with relief when Jimmy hadn’t refused to eat. Robert felt as though he was watching the rubble of ancient ruins piece themselves back together. 

Robert had held off on confronting Jimmy about his confession for the day, instead bathing in the way Jimmy hovered in Roberts personal space, treasuring the little touch’s Jimmy bestowed on him like Robert was a touch starved man (although Robert really couldn’t remember the last time he was touched companionably). 

However, Robert couldn’t let Jimmy off the hook completely, gently guiding Jimmy to the couch with an afternoon tea. Robert had watched Jimmy fidget nervously when Robert rolled back Jimmy’s sleeve. Robert clenched his jaw at the sight of Jimmy’s tack marks, greyish purple marks and older pearly white ones slightly obstructed by the angry scratch marks running up Jimmy’s forearm. Robert meet Jimmy’s shameful eye, his eyes raw with unshed tears. Robert sucked in a shuddering breath, and got to work gentling disinfecting Jimmy’s arm and applying bandages, slowing at times when Jimmy’s hitching breath rubbed rawly on Roberts heart. 

When Robert set aside the medical kit Jimmy melted into his arms, seeking a comfort he’d denied himself for much too long. And when Jimmy went to pull his sleeve over the bandages, Robert stoped him with a hand over his own; no more hiding, no more secrets. 

 

Jimmy woke up in the morning with cold legs, his feet looking to find Roberts in hope of a warm solace. Jimmy frown sleepily when he couldn’t find it, rising himself on his elbows and blinking slowly just as Robert nudged open the door to their room, carrying two cups of tea to the bed. 

“good morning beautiful,” Robert greeted softly, his voice still raspy from sleep. Jimmy sat up, leaning against their beds head board and accepting a cup of tea. Last night Jimmy had followed Robert to his room, and Robert had accepted Jimmy into his arms unspoken. 

Now, Jimmy’s couldn’t stop the toothy smile from blossoming on his face when Robert scooted back into bed and graced Jimmy’s lips with a petal soft kiss. Jimmy grinned and chased Roberts lips for another kissed, placing his tea blindly on the bedside table as he deepened their lip lock. Jimmy relished in the soft grunt Robert made as Jimmy’s leg crept into Roberts lap, seating himself teasingly onto Roberts lap. Robert was remind exactly why Jimmy was consider a filthy sex god.

“pagey...” Robert whined breathlessly. Jimmy hummed indulgently, his slender fingers playing with Roberts hair at the nape of his neck. Roberts next whine was muffled when Jimmy slotted his lips back against Roberts. Jimmy smiled again as he felt Roberts hands rest on his hips, keeping them kindly innocent as he noticed Jimmy’s efforts not too sit to closely in Roberts lap. Jimmy, although he loved Robert with every quark of his being, wasn’t quite interested in rushing their relationship; Jimmy wasn’t quite sure his body was physically ready to take that leap either. 

“Jimmy,” Robert mumbled, his words still pushed away with another kiss, “pagey, I’ve got to talk to you,” Robert laughed, his huffing breaking Jimmy’s attack. 

Jimmy frowned, “what could be more pressing then kissing your boyfriend,” Jimmy questioned, a dark eyebrow arching in wonder. 

Robert eyes sparkled delightfully, “boyfriend, ay?” he teased mischievously. 

Jimmy straighten, playing along, “my momma taught me right, boy. Haven’t you heard the story of free milk and the cow?”

Robert smirked, “mrs. Page taught you right did she?” Roberts hands grasp Jimmy bum, giving a quick, playful squeeze. Jimmy shrieked, his body jostling and a blush burning across his cheeks as Robert howled with laughter. 

Jimmy shushed Robert with another kiss before dismantling from his boyfriends lap, grabbing his tea from the table beside Robert. 

Jimmy took a pleasant sip languidly, resigning his fate as he ask, “so, what did you need to talk to me about.”

The sparkle in Roberts eyes died away and Robert cleared his throat of the laugher there moments ago. “pagey, you know we need to discus our talk from a little while ago.” Robert held his tea cup tighter as Jimmy seemed to welt, cursing himself for breaking the joy and liveliness there before.

“right,” Jimmy said softly, staring into his tea, “what d’you want to ask,” 

Robert placed a hand on Jimmy’s forearm tenderly, a silent plea for Jimmy look at him. Jimmy complied. 

“I just want to help Jimmy,” Robert reminded, taking Jimmy nod as approval to continue, “I just, I need to know if,” Robert bit his lip sharply, before gathering the courage to barrel onward, “I need to know if you’ve though about killing- about taking your life,” Robert couldn’t say it, not properly; the words lodge themselves in Robert throat until a softer version replace them. 

Jimmy’s hand found Roberts, and Robert could see Jimmy’s eyebrow clench together, “not,” Jimmy cleared his throat nervously, “not directly, no. but,” Jimmy hesitated, and Robert squeezed his hand encouragingly, “but I have wished to not, to not exist, and, and Ive wondered if it’d been better if you hadn’t found me that, that night in the bathroom.” Jimmy’s breath hitch, and his words trembled but didn’t fail as he finished, “ but I haven’t consciously though about, about killing my self.”

Robert grinded his teeth, not allowing himself to cry; he’d save his tear when he had a moment of privacy. “okey,” Robert stated, trying to ground himself, “ okey, we, uh, we can work with that, yeah? That’s building material.” 

Jimmy laughed, but Robert could hear the strain in his voice, “that’s pretty shitty building material, Percey,”

Robert laughed too, “but we can work with it. And that means you need that come to me Jimmy,” Robert grasped Jimmy’s chin, turning his face towards his own, “I need you to come to me when you feel this way. Even if you don’t tell me you feel that low, I need you to at least protect yourself by staying with me; you cant be alone when you feel this way. Okey, love?” 

Jimmy nodded, his voice a weak croak “okey,” 

Robert nodded to himself, “and when you cant stop thinking about the heroin or when your arm bothers you, and you cant stop yourself form thinking about that,” Robert held Jimmy’s arm comfortingly, “I need you to come to me Jimmy, and we’ll figure it out. We’ll, I don’t know,” Robert grasped fo ideas desperately, “we’ll paint your arm or something,”

Jimmy snorted, “that’s lame Robert,” 

Robert playfully smacked Jimmy’s thigh, “I’m trying,” Robert turned serious again, “ and I need you to try too Jimmy. No more giving into to this darkness, all right? You my shining moon.” Roberts thumb traced gently over the smooth skin of Jimmy’s hand. “I need you, love, and I don’t want you hurting yourself.”

Jimmy nodded, leaning into Robert. 

“I’ll fight it.”

Robert kissed the crown of Jimmy’s head, eyes prickling.

“thank you”

Robert and Jimmy watched the sun break through the clouds, its rays illuminating the rain into golden showers. 

 

OCTOBER 14th - NOVEMBER 13th 

Jimmy had been gaining weight. 

Jimmy had taken Robert and his talk to heart, and he’d used it to wipe the slate clean, to start new, and taken on a brighter beginning. It wasn’t to say Jimmy didn’t have days where he felt hate for himself boil low in his belly, or that some nights Jimmy’s mind wasn’t a whirl of dark thoughts; but when these bouts of swimming in the gutter happened, Jimmy felt the strength in him to grasp Roberts hand for help. 

Robert had started to take notice of Jimmy’s cries for help, when Jimmy was to prideful or hesitant to seek Roberts help, Robert would notice the way Jimmy avoided eye contact, or avoided dinner, or came to bed too late. Robert would pull Jimmy into his arms, wrap him in a warm embrace and kiss him deliciously. And when that didn’t break Jimmy’s shell, Robert would stick to Jimmy’s side, ask him to play guitar or the take a walk with him. Of course there’d been times when Jimmy refused, and those were the times Robert would take Jimmy to bed early, with a cup of tea, and a soothing voice singing in his ear.

Overall, however, Robert was giddy with the amount of progress they were making. Jimmy, although not completely out of the woods, was steadily becoming more active and engaging, and Robert didn’t have to squint so much anymore to see the man Jimmy had been before. Robert had taken extra care to be certain Jimmy was eating, and slowly but surely Jimmy’s stomach began to flatten out, the concave that’d it’d been before finally disappearing; it was a glorious satisfaction to see Jimmy’s body be restored after the months Robert spent trying to fatten Jimmy up. Robert couldn’t ignore the way Jimmy’s face looked sharper, the way Jimmy’s face now held a haunting beauty instead of the youthful angelic beauty that was the before. Robert suspected Jimmy would never get back that youthfulness again, and instead embraced the matureness in his lover’s look. 

Jimmy stood before the bathroom mirror, the edges still fogged up from his shower, and examined the smoothness of his stomach, the dip he’d become so used to filled in with a healthy tummy. Jimmy knew this was what he should look like; this was healthy. He couldn’t help but bite his lip as he ran his hands down his ribs and to his full stomach, slight anxiety gnawing in his chest. 

Jimmy had always been slim, even as a child Jimmy had been thinner then the other boys in his class, lacking the stocky shoulders and the muscles boys had from constant play. Jimmy had been quite alright with his figure though; he liked the thinness of his waist and the sharpness of his hip bones. Looking in the mirror Jimmy ran his hands over his hip bones, elating in the way they were sharp as ever, even, if Jimmy was honest with himself, perhaps still too sharp. But, why then, did Jimmy hate the way his stomach protruded pass his still visible rib, his tummy slightly swollen from Roberts hearty English breakfast?

Jimmy sighed and slipped on a shirt and his pants, pulling on a pair of loose trousers before he left the bathroom. Perhaps he’d just cut down on how much he ate at meals. 

Jimmy only went three weeks cutting back his diet before Robert called him out on it. 

 

Jimmy’s hair was a mess from Roberts tugging, but Jimmy could only moan when Roberts lips dipped into Jimmy’s neck, a wet, hard kiss sucked into the delicate skin. Robert hand ran praisingly up Jimmy’s torso, along his ribs and back down to his tummy, Jimmy’s shirt tossed somewhere on the ground. 

Jimmy felt a small pang of guilt when he pulled Robert back, the evidence of Roberts excitement pressing into Jimmy’s naked thigh. Robert shifted guiltily, readjusting himself above Jimmy. 

Jimmy made a regretful noise in his throat, “I’m sorry Percey.” 

Robert just smiled and lay next to Jimmy, “not at all, love.”

Robert and Jimmy hadn’t brought up the subject of sex yet. Robert was more then excited to explore Jimmy’s body, in-fact at times like theses Robert couldn’t help his excitement for his lover from appearing. However, Robert didn’t want to rush into anything. He was still in question whether Jimmy and he should be in a relationship so soon after Jimmy’s addiction; it scared Robert to think Jimmy was confused in the haze off his recovery. Yet, when Jimmy kissed Robert so purely and whispered he loves him, Roberts worries were washed away; sometimes he just needed some reassurance. 

Jimmy longed for Roberts touch, but the niggling anxiety that Jimmy wouldn’t be able to participate still echoed in his mind. Jimmy often found the days to be exhaustingly long, and more nights then not Jimmy would crawl into bed sapped of his energy. The last thing Jimmy wanted was to get Robert riled up and see the disappointment and hurt in his eyes when he realized Jimmy was… flaccid. Jimmy didn’t want to imagine the embarrassment that conversation would bring on. 

Jimmy came back to himself, watching Roberts gaze brush down Jimmy’s exposed body. Jimmy study Roberts face as he did so, noticing the conner of Roberts lips twitch in confusion. 

“what is it,” Jimmy spoke softly into the stillness of the room. 

Robert shook his head slightly, shifted on his side, propping his head against his hand as his other rested on the curve of Jimmy’s waist, his thumb stroking the line of a rib. “your losing weight again.”

Anxiety bloomed and twisted in Jimmy’s chest. It wasn’t a question; it was a statement. Jimmy chuckled nervously, “how could I Robert? With how much you feed me I don’t think that’s possible.” 

Roberts frown deepened, a crease forming between his eyebrow as his hand ran over the grooves of Jimmy’s ribs to his sternum. “Jimmy…”

“I’m fine Robert, look at me; you’ve fattened me up like a Christmas turkey, if I gain anymore weight I’ll be heavier then I was before…”

Roberts frown had continued to deepen, “before your addiction?” Robert finished, slightly annoyed. He’d thought they were past the avoiding. 

“yeah,” Jimmy mumbled. 

“Jimmy your tinny.” Jimmy made a noise of protest, “ no, listen Jimmy, your not even close to the weight you were before, not even bring into considering the weight you should be.” Jimmy didn’t think Roberts frown could be more carved into his face. “ you’re not meaning to lose weight, are you Jimmy?” Roberts voice was dangerously low.

Jimmy’s frozen and tensed frame was the only answer Robert need. Robert grunted angrily and roll away from Jimmy, sitting on the edge of the bed. Jimmy watch as Robert ran a hand through his blond curls aggressively, rubbing at his face like Jimmy was bringing him wrinkles. Jimmy righted himself upward, feeling shame wash through him like glacier water.

“Robert,” Roberts hand rose quickly, pleading for Jimmy’s silence. 

“I cannot, for the lords gifted life of me, understand why you’d try to reverse the progress we’ve made.” The silence was thicker then molasses. “why Jimmy?!”

Jimmy startled, “I, I’ve just, I’ve gotten so use to the weight I was, I just, a-and I’ve gained weight so quickly-“ Jimmy was cut off when Robert pulled him into arms as easily as if Jimmy was a puppy carried by the scruff. Embarrassment flushed through Jimmy as Robert gather Jimmy on to his lap and hug him to his chest like a child. 

“Robert…”

“look how small you are, your like a child.” 

“Robert stop it,” mortification flushed through Jimmy. 

“but look, I can wrap my hand around your wrist so easily. How much do you weigh? A hundred ‘n’ twenty?”

Jimmy ripped his hands away from Robert, trying to push himself out of Roberts embrace, and desperately trying to scrabble up the remains of his pride. 

“what is wrong with you!” Jimmy finally cracked, snapping at Robert angrily. 

“if your going to act like a child and refuse to eat I’m going to treat you like a child. Children starve themselves for attention james.” There was a cold indifference and condescendence in Roberts voice that made Jimmy’s blood curdle; the way his birth name rolled off his tongue reminded Jimmy off his fathers disapproving scowl.

“are you fucking serious?” Jimmy finally push away from Robert, giving an extra push for extra measures. “Im not starving myself! And I’m sure as hell not doing it for attention you arse! Crowley Robert!” Jimmy was up and pacing before the bed, pushing his hair from his face every few seconds as wisps of hair were shook lose. “god Robert I just cut back on my meals a little alright? Ive been gaining weight so fast, I figured slowing down wouldn’t hurt any.” Jimmy suddenly felt very small again, vulnerable in a way that made him want to run. Instead Jimmy allowed surges of anger to coarse through him, like the strong burn of brandy proving his manhood. 

Jimmy suddenly whirled around, swooping his pants from the floor, and scrambling to pull them on, stumbling in his haste to the door. 

Robert bristled, standing up with every intention of stoping Jimmy’s escape, “where are you going? Jimmy, where’re you going!” Robert felt the sting of impatience and frustration pierced him. 

Jimmy’s face pushed through the top of a shirt he was pulling on, halfway through the door. An angry snarl twisted Jimmy’s features, and Robert was reminded of how much sharper Jimmy’s appearance had become, he was starkly reminded of how much older Jimmy was then him. 

“ it’s none of your bloody fucking business!” 

Jimmy’s blazing face was the last Robert saw before the shot gun sound of the door slamming was left to ring in Robert ears. 

 

Jimmy was seething, his nails piercing his palm in a deliciously sweet way as he stormed through Roberts yard, stumbling over the marshy ground. 

Frustration and dissatisfaction grasp Jimmy’s lungs painfully, the dysphoric weight causing him gasp for each breath. Jimmy came to a stand still, his palms pressed steadily n his thighs. Jimmy bit his lip, a prickling of anger searing his eyes. He wanted to tear off his skin, peel away the body that contained him. Jimmy wanted to run, and run, and before Jimmy realized what he was doing, he was running through Roberts field, running and running until he came to a stumbling stop at the hot creek. 

Jimmy’s lungs burned with life. His skin prickled with sweat. His eyes burned with emotion. His vision blurred to black. 

When Jimmy woke up he was wrapped in a thick downed blanket shivering. His shuttering breath startled Robert away, and instantly strong arms wrapped themselves around him. 

 

NOVEMBER 30th 

Jimmy didn’t realized when they became consistent, but slowly, cunningly, they crept into his dreams like a thief in the night. 

Perhaps it started while Jimmy was still infantized to the heroin. There were times when Richard Cole didn’t have heroin to hand to Jimmy instantly, times where Jimmy would have to wait hours; nights like those were still found in Jimmy’s eyes when he lost himself daydreaming; horrid nights of paranoia and dread and longing, feverish nights and nightmares that came crawling. Perhaps that is when the seed of bad dreams was first planted in Jimmy’s mind; but Jimmy woke with a start, a gasp, and a fluttering heart, an undistinguishable vision slipping away. 

Jimmy lay a still as he could as he felt Robert shift in his sleep, Jimmy’s movement likely breaking the barriers of deep rest. Jimmy clasped a shaking hand to his mouth as a terrified sob shook from his throat, tears rolling over Jimmy’s hand. Jimmy laid till his fight with composure was won. 

Jimmy rolled out of bed gently, making care to miss the squeaky floor board right next to the bed. Jimmy could feel the burn of whisky in his mouth already as he slugged on a night-robe and made his way to the cold kitchen. 

Jimmy’s hands routinely reached to the top cupboard, reaching for the virtually untouched bottle of Jack Daniel’s. He could feel the dreams hazy gloom weigh in him, and logically Jimmy new he’d have to talk to Robert about this, lest he allow the nightmares to drag him back to where he’d escaped; constant cold pressing depression. 

Till then, however, Jimmy was content taking comfort from the sweet numbness found at the bottom of a couple glasses. 

Jimmy sighed after the first sip, feeling the harsh fumes burn his nose. He knew Robert would be disappointed in him, he could almost hear Robert voice scolding him. Jimmy grinded his teeth before taking a long drink from his glass. 

Jimmy couldn’t believe that nerve Robert had had a couple weeks ago, treating Jimmy as though he was an infant, ridiculing him as though Jimmy couldn’t make his own decisions, as though Jimmy’s decision ere invalid. Jimmy gripped his glass startingly tight, downing the rest of his glass as Roberts patronizing voice rang in his mind. 

Jimmy refilled his glass.  
It was as though Robert forgot that Jimmy was four year older the him; had experience four more years of heartbreak and rejections and stress and just the plain vicious world then Robert himself. It was like Robert forgot Jimmy was the one to put together led zeppelin; bring its music together, tirelessly work on the album, deal with finances, and, to the lord above, it was Jimmy who had done the heroin, not Robert. Jimmy tried to wash the coal in his throat away with another drink. 

And what had really stuck with Jimmy like gum on the bottom of his shoe was that when he woke up wrapped in a soft blanket, Robert fretting over Jimmy before he had the chance to even wake up, Robert had acted as though nothing had happen, acted as though he hadn’t talked down to Jimmy. Jimmy poured himself another glass. 

Jimmy was sick of it, and if Jimmy wasn’t so sure he would run back to heroin if given the chance he would leave Roberts home to go back to his boat house. Jimmy bowed his head, his hand threading through his black locks, feeling its slightly oily threads weave through his fingers. Jimmy rubbed his sore eyes, nights of not sleeping properly had ringed his eyes like red eyeliner. Jimmy finished his drink, bringing the bottle to his lips instead of refilling his glass. 

He loved Robert. Jimmy was sure of this; no matter how much the drug had changed Jimmy, no matter how much it’d impacted who he was today, all the things it’d stripped from him during the time he was a slave to it, it didn’t come close to stripping Jimmy of his love for Robert; clouded his vision and his quest for it sure, but never diminish it. But Jimmy couldn’t stay with Robert if this was how he was going to treat Jimmy. Jimmy wanted Robert to see him as his partner, his equal, his friend, his lover, anything, absolutely anything but this poor helpless creature that needed monitoring. Jimmy was no longer deluded with the idea that heroin was good for him, he was quite aware of how it screwed him over, thank-you-very-much. Jimmy didn’t want Robert to care for him because he though it was his duty, Jimmy wanted Roberts love and affection because Robert felt love for him, not responsibility. Jimmy didn’t need the constant reminder of what he’d done to himself. Jimmy didn’t want to be crippled in the constant babying Robert was forcing on him. Jimmy took another gulp from the bottle. 

Crowley, Jimmy thought despairingly, Jimmy didn’t need Robert to tell him what he’d done was wrong. Jimmy pressed his lips together as he felt misery slosh in his belly; Jimmy knew that what he’d done, the heroin was his fault, Jimmy new he’d done this to himself, now Jimmy need Robert to let him take some ownership over his recovery. Jimmy took another swing of the bottle. 

Jimmy lay his cheek against the cold counter. Jimmy could feel waves of the alcohol effects wash over him, the numbness he was craving finally arriving. Jimmy wanted to yell, and shout, and kick something, or someone, he wanted to feel some form of control. 

Jimmy pushed himself up from the counter, his stool scraping across the kitchen floor. Jimmy shushed the sound, chiding the stool in a hushed voice. Jimmy clutched the counter as his vision swarmed, stumbling over his feet as he moved to bring his glass to the sink. Jimmy stumbled harder, and his knees impacted painfully with the floor as his glass shattered with a screaming crash. Jimmy gaped at the glittering pieces of glass littering the floor, frozen to his position on the floor. 

“Jimmy?” Jimmy’s stomach dropped as Roberts voice echoed from the stairwell. “Jimmy, what are you doi-“ Jimmy knew Robert was standing in the entrance of the kitchen, knew he’d just spotted the half empty bottle of jack on the counter. Jimmy could almost hear the dots connecting in Roberts head. Jimmy almost wanted to laugh, but instead of a chuckle spilling from his lip Jimmy felt a sob shake him. Jimmy caved into himself on the floor, trying to fight against the arms encircling him from behind. 

“Jimmy, Jimmy love, it’s okey love, shhh it’s okey.” Roberts voice was a sweet as poison berry in Jimmy’s mind as Robert tried to gather Jimmy in his arms away from the broken glass. 

Jimmy fought against Robert, pushing himself away from him as he shook his head, he suddenly wished he hadn’t drunken so much. 

“ Jimmy stop, sto-ooff!” Jimmy finally turned around and shoved Roberts away from him, barely registering the glass cutting into his hands as he continued to scramble away from Robert. 

“fuck off Robert!” Jimmy snarled, his inner turmoil speaking like a devil in his ear. Roberts surprised face did nothing to cool Jimmy down. 

“Jimmy what- just, Jimmy just come away from the glass, we, we can talk about this tomorrow.” Jimmy scorned at the concern in Roberts voice. 

“I don’ wanna fuckin’ talk ‘bout it Robert. Im sick of talkin’ ‘bout it.” Jimmy shifted in the battle field of glass shards, Roberts eyes following the movement as more glass threaten to cut Jimmy’s palm. 

“Jimmy-“ 

“you always jus’ wanna talk ‘bout everything, always wanna fix everything, always wanting t’ tell me wha’s wrong and wha’s right, like I don’ already bloody well know.” Jimmy eyes blazed with furious tears. “ I know tha’ my addiction was my fault, I know the reason im like this,” Jimmy gestured to himself angrily, “is my fault! I already know goddammit! I already know. Im the one tha’ jabbed the fuckin’ needle in my arm Robert! Im the one that melted heroin in a spoon before each show in the washroom.” Jimmy sobbed drunkenly, “ I know, I know, I already fuckin know.” 

Roberts voice shook when he called Jimmy’s name again. 

“and you, you gotta lemme take ownership of it percy. You gotta let me stand on my own a bit, you got t’ lemme feel like I have some shred of control in my life.” Jimmy whipped a tear from his face, wincing when a shard of glass sliced an elegant cut into his cheek. Jimmy stared transfix at the blood smeared on his hand, glancing down at his other. 

Jimmy didn’t fight when he felt arms lift him from the floor, instead he let the fight drain from him as Roberts warmth seeped into his cold bones. “I know what I’ve done Robert, I need you to tell me own it now.”

“okey” Robert whispered, his hand rubbing warm circles into Jimmy’s back, “okey.”

 

Jimmy couldn’t recall when he’d finally gotten to bed, the distant memory of Robert pulling pieces of glass from his hand was the last thing he remembered. Jimmy laid still on his side, closing his eyes against the day. He could feel Roberts gaze sweeping over his back, Jimmy staying as still as he could before a hand brushing through his hair startled him. Roberts other arm snaked around Jimmy’s stomach, pulling him into Robert until his back was flushed to Roberts chest. 

“I know your awake love.” Jimmy shivered as Roberts warm breath ghosted over his neck. Jimmy hummed, trying to prolong his peace. “care to explain what happened last night?” 

Jimmy tensed, but Roberts gentle hand was rubbing his tummy just so, forcing Jimmy to relax back into Robert. Jimmy tangled his legs with Roberts, loving the slide of Roberts hairy legs against his own. 

“Jimmy, if you don’t want me to be constantly hounding you, then you’ve got to communicate with me. I’ll take a step back if you take a step forward.” Jimmy want to be annoyed with Robert, but the husky voice rumbling in his ear and the strong arm keeping him pressed to Robert chest and hips left him defenceless against Roberts charisma. 

Jimmy tried to answer but a lusty moan was all he managed. Jimmy heard Roberts breath hitch, and instead of distancing himself, Jimmy pressed his hips back into Roberts, relishing in the way Roberts hips bucked forward on there own accord. Jimmy was just wiggling his hips backward when Robert suddenly grunted and shoved Jimmy away from him.

“Goddammit Jimmy.” Jimmy scrambled around to face Robert, taking in the way Roberts pupils were blown wide and his cheeks were flushed warmly. “ you can’t try to weasel your way out of talking by seducing me.” 

That hadn’t exactly been Jimmy’s plan, but he could see the relation. Instead Jimmy shrugged sheepishly. 

Robert pulled Jimmy back to him, this time facing him and keeping a safe distance between them. Roberts sighed. “you threw some pretty strong accusations at me last night, love.” Jimmy glanced away shamefully, silently vowing to himself to stop drinking. “ care to explain them james.” 

Jimmy shifted closer to Robert, tucking his head under his chin, so he couldn’t see his face. “I’m sorry.” 

Jimmy felt Robert shake his head, “I just want you to talk to me so we don’t have a repeat of last night.” Jimmy’s hand rested on Roberts chest, his thumb running threw the hair between his pecks. 

Jimmy shrugged, “I’ve, I’ve been have rather… unpleasant dreams lately…” 

Robert tensed slight, itching to ask what of, “how long is lately, Jimmy?” 

Jimmy swallowed heavily. “a couple of weeks.” 

Robert cursed, but a hand cradled Jimmy’s head and back, pulling him closer. 

“I, I didn’t want you to fret over it, I just wanted to be able to take care of something on my own, I dint want you to smother me any more then you already have been.” Jimmy’s hand tightened on Roberts shoulder as he felt Roberts jaw moved to protest. “Robert, you’ve been wonderful, and caring and a true gentle man, and no other person would see a fault in your behaviour. But I’m a grown man, who can take responsibility for his actions. I will forever be grateful for you Robert.” Jimmy pulled back to cradle Roberts faces, seeing the understanding and guilt swarm in Roberts eyes. “ but I need a partner right now Robert, not a mother. I need you to be with me and love me, but I don’t need you monitoring everything I do.” Jimmy watched Roberts eyes turn glassy, and thought how much emotional strain they’d been through in the last year. “I need you to let me take responsibility for what I’ve done. I was surrounded by friend who loved me, and instead of turning to my mates when I was in dire need of help I turned to a drug instead, and it was a horrible, horrible mistake; but it was still a mistake I choose. I need you to let me own that and take some initiative; I need some freedom to move on Robert, and before I can do that I need you to let go.” Jimmy lips tightened, his jaw clenching as he gently whipped Roberts tears away.

“I’m sorry Pagey,” Robert whispered, his hand gliding over Jimmy’s side soothingly. “i feel like I didn’t do enough to help you before any of this even started, and then when you where using, I should have, I should have done something, I,” Robert tucked his chin in, trying to shy his tears from Jimmy, “ I feel so guilty,” Robert whispered, barely a breath of air.

“Alister Crowley, Robert, no, no goodness no.” Jimmy hugged Robert. “ I know you where furious with Jonsey for not stoping me, or, or telling you that I was- that I was using heroin, but he knew that if I didn’t want help then there no way any body could have helped me. I had to want to be helped, Robert. And now you’ve helped me more then you can ever imagine, you loving me, after everything I’ve put you through, Its more then anyones ever done for me. All you can do know is love me and let me love you. you sheltering me and cradling me is handicapping me Robert, its putting a nice little bandaid on a gaping wound, and we both know it takes two hands to fix this.” Jimmy clung to Robert desperately, focusing on how Robert clung to Jimmy just as needfully. 

Robert cleared his throat ruffly, “ I promise I’ll stop smoothing you.”

“that’s all I want,” Jimmy’s words tickled Roberts neck.

“ do you promise you’ll come to me when you need me, especially if your having night-terrors Jimmy.”

Jimmy nodded.

“you promised last time too Jimmy, and you broke that.” 

“I promise” 

Jimmy laughed weakly. “I love you, Robert.”

Robert hugged Jimmy tighter, pressing a kiss to his forehead, “I love you too, Jimmy”

 

DECEMBER 15th 

Robert snapped a picture of Jimmy as he pulled on his third snow coat. Jimmy looked up and scowl, shoving a wool toque on his head and lacing his boots. Robert laughed fondly and shook the Polaroid photo as Jimmy’s grumpy face started fade into colour. 

Roberts property looked liked a real winter wonder land. Snow had been falling steadily for three days time, and while Jimmy was ecstatic about watching the icicle grows from within the warm sanctuary of the house, Robert wanted to go for a stroll. Or to shovel a pathway, as Jimmy saw it.

However, walking through the shin high snow, Roberts arms heavy around his waist, the land looked like a true Christmas time dream.

They left a pathways in the snow behind them as the made there way to the forest, listen to the silence in comfort. The soft silence of snow falling filled Jimmy with a familiar serenity. 

Jimmy clutched Roberts hand tight as a pang of longing struck him. 

Robert looked as him sadly, “are you okey,” his voice was gentle like the sene surrounding them. Jimmy felt like he was in a dream. 

Jimmy sighed and glance at Robert, “this was what it was like,” 

Robert looked lost, and Jimmy was reminded that Robert wasn’t seeing this beautiful scenery in the same deranged way Jimmy was. 

“the high I mean,” Jimmy continued, “this calmness, this feeling of rightness; like this, the way the snow falls and lays, the way the wind is absent; all of this is exactly how it should be. The heroin was like that, it made everything feel right, made everything feel just the way is should be.” 

Robert hummed in understanding, and Jimmy could see that he did understand; as much as someone who’d never done heroin would anyway. “that’s why you did it then,” Robert suggested, “because while you felt everything was going south in the studio, the heroin made everything feel okey.”

Jimmy snorted, “it made everything feel bloody fantastic.” Robert shot Jimmy a look, and jimmy returned a sheepish smile, “sorry.”

Robert sighed, an anxiety covered curiosity coming through, “how did it start Jimmy?”

Jimmy rose an eyebrow, “my addiction?” Robert nodded. Jimmy paused thinking back to it. He wanted to lie, play it off as something not so formulate, not so planned. But he couldn’t, not with Roberts eyes trusting him. “I bumped into a man on my way back from the studio, a particularly stressful day I think. He just gave it to me, said I looked in dire need of it.” Jimmy could almost smell the mans alleyway cologne. 

Robert looked aghast, “you just took drugs from a random guy on the streets?!”

Jimmy bristle defensively, “hey, its not like I was in a great mind set at the time. and besides, I didn’t even use it right away, I think it was almost a month before I used it.” Jimmy’s arm itched as he recalled the memories. He pulled his hand away from Robert to ease the itch but Robert held tight. 

“we can stop,” Roberts voice was sincere, almost pleading, “if its too much we can stop.”

Jimmy shook his head, the memories were already up heaved. “I thought it’d just be a one time fling, a temporary escape to give me enough strength to hold on. But after I just had this distant longing for it, and it was so easy to get-“ Jimmy stope as Robert abruptly halted. 

“who’d you get it from Jimmy?” Roberts voice was colder then the snow. 

“I got it from that man-“

“afterwards Jimmy, how’d you get it on tour?” Roberts eyes bore in to Jimmy’s eyes. 

“Richard Cole.”

Jimmy winced as Roberts hand clenched his painfully in anger. 

“the bastard!” Robert swore, tearing his hand from Jimmy’s. “ he’s fired! I swear to god he’s fired! Ill drag his ass behind my fucking car if I see his face again!” Roberts turned to a tree, ready to take his fury out on it when a firm hand caught his wrist. 

“it was my choice,” Jimmy’s voice was defiant and strong in his ear, and the warm fluffy press of Jimmy’s layered body pressed behind him. 

Robert turned and embraced him. 

“you can’t blame it on him Robert. You can certainly fire him though.” Robert felt satisfaction burn through him at Jimmy’s permission. 

Jimmy pulled away and resumed there stroll, knowing Robert would follow. 

They walked in silence, listen to the robins chirp in the tree. Jimmy could hear the questions brewing in Roberts mind, but he waited patiently for Robert to ask first. 

“when would you do it?” 

Jimmy was only slightly surprised that this was the first question, but he shrugged anyhow. “at first, only when I was stressed, but my body became depended on it. If I didn’t get my fix, I’d get cramps; it was an easy choice; pain or bliss. When we went on tour, I took it before concerts to numb my nerves, then the heroin seeped into my night and morning routine.” A sighed sigh deflated Jimmy chest, “before I new it, heroin was my breakfast, lunch and dinner.”

Robert remained silent, pulling Jimmy to his side. 

“I was all I could think of” Jimmy whispered, as though the birds would fly away and tell the world of Jimmy Pages vice. “it got to a point where I didn’t even want it anymore, it filled me with dread instead of ecstasy. I just needed more and more and more and it still wasn’t enough.” Jimmy felt the cold pierce through the layers of his jackets. “it was my stairway to heaven, but I tumbled into hell,” it was a bitter laugh. 

When Robert remained mute Jimmy dared a glance at him. 

Roberts eyes where misted over and his chin was stress with the efforts not to cry. 

“god I’m sorry,” Roberts huffed, “ I feel like I’ve cried my manhood away these past months,” 

Jimmy laughed, “yes, well you’ve got a mess of a boyfriend; I’d be crying too.”

Roberts smiled, “a hot mess of a boyfriend.”

 

DECEMBER 21st 

Jimmy sat on the porch, a cup of coffee burning his hands through the clay. The stars glittered up in the pitiless nigh sky, winking at jimmy in colours of red, white and blue. A private smile graced his face, eyes worry-less as they gazed at the countless stars littering the Milky Way; more numerous then all the souls in the earth; surpassing all the grains of sand littering the beaches. 

Jimmy felt his eyes wrinkle from his smile; he could imagine the rivers of deep lines that would grace his eyes when he aged. Jimmy tried to imagine Robert aged and wrinkled, but his mind only drew up the present. 

Jimmy sighed, listening to the last crickets of the season sing and dance. The song of night filled Jimmy’s chest with a heavy contentment.

Jimmy jumped when a warm hand grasped his shoulder, gasping in fright when Robert seated himself on the porch steps beside his lover.

“Crowley, Percey,” Jimmy groused. “I’m gonna sow a bell to you’re shirt.”

Robert huffed a laugh, eyes turning to the sky, “what’re you going out here?”

Jimmy shrugged, rubbing his arms from the autumn whispers, “the stars have shifted into their autumn positions, I wanted to see what constellations are visible.”

Robert hummed, wrapping an arm around Jimmy’s slender shoulder and pulling him to his side, “what stories are littering the sky tonight, love?” Robert whisper.

Jimmy leaned his head on Robert, wiggling more comfortably into his embrace, “Draco,”jimmy said point to the middle of the sky and tracing the constellation with his finger, “the dragon of the he sky is right there,” Robert hummed, pretending he could see the line of stars jimmy was mentioning; Roberts eyes weren’t trained to make sense of the mess of stars. Robert wondered what it was like to see the night sky as a cluster of shapes and stories. “There’s Pegasus, and Pisces, and is you shift down to the left there’s Cetus…” 

Robert watched Jimmy’s faces alight with love and curiosity as he pointed out the stars; that’s where jimmy belonged, Robert thought, up there among the glittering diamond stars. He was so beautiful Roberts heart ached, his stomach twisted with how much he loved him; it was a love that hurt, that scared him, made him fear what he could lose. It was a love at stake, one he couldn’t lose without losing himself too. It was love, simply. 

“-soon the beginning of Capricorn with be visible-“ jimmy stopped as Roberts warm hand cupped the side of his face, turning his head to look into his eye. Robert eclipsed Jimmy’s lips with a gentle kiss, pulling away slowing to see Jimmy’s jade eyes flutter open.

“You’re more precious then all the galaxies.”

 

DECEMBER 30th

Jimmy woke up rather excited. 

Its wasn’t like the other sunrises Jimmy had woken with his morning glory at full salute. The past few weeks Jimmy had woken up with promising erections, yet, when prompted Jimmy found he wasn’t as excited as he’d thought. 

But today. Today was different. Jimmy lay waiting for the ballon to float back down, but as the minutes passed Jimmy found himself grow more eager. 

Peaking at Robert through his hair, Jimmy let his hand wander over his smooth stomach, his nipples erecting with anticipation and his tummy fluttering wonderfully. His fingers thread through the dark curly hair to his shaft, gasping at the feeling of finally, finally having the pleasure of sex back. 

Jimmy grasped himself and pulled achingly slow at his shaft, his toes curling and knees bending up. Jimmy swallowed back a moan and arched into his hand, his chest heaving. Suddenly a ferocious need and selfishness burned in Jimmy.

Jimmy finally wanted Robert. 

He needed Robert. 

Jimmy removed his hand and crawled over to Robert, relishing in the sensational firmness of Roberts body as Jimmy pressed himself on top of him. Jimmy kissed Roberts tamp lips, dragging his clothed erection up Roberts thigh. Jimmy felt Robert come alive as he kissed back, Roberts hands sliding up the back of Jimmy’s thighs to his waist. 

Jimmy pressed his eager member against Robert again, grinding against him more persistently when Robert moaned encouragingly. 

“Jimm-“ Jimmy devoured Roberts lips before he could continue, licking into his mouth while fully mounting Robert. 

“Jimmy-“ Jimmy just shook his head no and kissed Robert, tugging and sucking on Roberts lips. 

Roberts pushed Jimmy back, a restraining hand on Jimmy’s chest. “Jimmy!” Robert gasped breathless. Jimmy just moaned at the sound of his name and moved his hips swirlingly against Roberts groin. Jimmy’s erection was proud and prominent through his boxers, and the feeling of Roberts own growing erections was beginning to press up under him. Robert moaned. “Jimmy, Jimmy please.”

Jimmy groaned, stilling his hips for a moment, his body buzzing with need. “Robert, please just-“ Jimmy couldn’t find the words. He dropped his hips to Roberts and grinded down, making his message clear. 

Robert seemed to make up his mind, grabbing Jimmy’s waist and ramming his pelvis upward into Jimmy; Jimmy moan and bucked against Robert. Roberts hold on Jimmy tighten before he flipped them over, pinning Jimmy to the bed and slotting himself between Jimmy’s spread legs. 

Robert pressed his weight against Jimmy, relishing in the glide of skin as he drove his erection against Jimmy’s, a primal urge driving him to buck and rub and more, more, more. 

Jimmy was moaning and squirming beneath Robert, trying to match Roberts frantic plunges as pressure drove against his shaft and vanished in a maddening cycle. Roberts name became a mantra the spilled from Jimmy’s lips in lucid whines and moans. 

Roberts pulled back, his hands pulling at Jimmy’s pants, asking permission. Jimmy nodded frantically. 

Robert pulled them off, stunned still as he took in Jimmy’s body, the lean, slender frame, then hair leading to his shaft. Robert pulled of his own briefs, crawling up over Jimmy to kiss him slow and tender, fingers tangling in the black tresses. Robert lowered his pelvis, savouring the first glide of Jimmy’s erection against his own, softer then silk sink sending electric bolts of pleasure through Roberts stomach. 

Robert grasped Jimmy’s hands above his head and began to rut their erections together, electing a long needy moan. Jimmy felt his orgasm building like a bass note, precum leaking from with weeping cock and being swept between them in Roberts accelerating pace. 

Robert grabbed the back of Jimmy’s thighs, moving them closer to his chest. Jimmy gasped as Robert began to thrust gliding strokes over his puckered hole and balls, the touch of such intimate parts sending a tumbles of flurries in his torso. 

A particularly hard thrust catching on Jimmy’s hole had a mewing cry spill from his lips and the tumbling waves of his orgasm spatter between Robert and his bodies. Jimmy lay limp in Roberts arms as Roberts erratic thrusts shook the bed.

A low groan and Jimmy felt a warm splash against his inner thigh and bottom, Roberts weight collapsing onto him. 

Jimmy felt birds flutter in his tummy, Roberts panting breath against his neck warm like his heart. Jimmy traced his hands up Roberts back, muscles ripping at the delicate touch; the weight of Roberts limp dick rested against Jimmy’s thigh, and Jimmy could feel Roberts seed dripping between his cheeks. 

Jimmy suddenly noticed the silence in the room, only filled with Roberts heavy breaths. Jimmy turned his neck, searching Roberts lips in a slow chaste kiss. 

Robert huffed a laugher, glittering blue eyes looking into jade green ones. “well good morning to you to, love.” 

 

JANUARY 8th- 9th, 1970

Jimmy had been low lately; that much was obvious to Robert. At first, he was sulky, giving Robert short mumbled answer, not really engaging in conversation when Robert spoke to him, and although he didn’t shy away from Roberts touch, he didn’t offer his own. Then Jimmy began to hide himself in the spare bedroom, playing his guitar gently out of reach from Roberts ears. Robert began to worry then, fearful that Jimmy was slipping back into himself, into the state of mind he’d been in when he’d first quitted heroin. But just when Robert was on the verge of interfering, Jimmy emerged from himself, and began engaging with Robert again, soothing Roberts worries and settling the dust that had begun to rise from Roberts pacing. 

It’d been a week sense Jimmy had shaken off his brief depression, and he and Robert were on the porch, a blanket from Roberts mother across there legs as they sat close together, warding off the whispers of winters words. Jimmy was sipping his tea, eye staring intensely at the setting sun before them, watching it dip beneath the hills, its last rays waving good bye forlornly. 

Roberts hand slithered into Jimmy’s grasping it gently, watching Jimmy intently as the delicate man glanced at there hands, a small regretful smile curling Jimmy’s lips. Robert felt his breath catch, desiring to delve into Jimmy’s mind and understand the thoughts behind Jimmy’s sad eyes.

“Jimmy, love?” Jimmy’s eyes wander lazily to Roberts, Robert offered a comforting smile as he whispers liquidly, “I love you.”

Jimmy’s eyes folded like velvet when he smiled. 

 

Robert rolled to his side, frowning dazedly at what could have disturbed his sleep. Robert rubbed his eyes, squinting in the at Jimmy’s side of the bed, blindly patting the cold sheet for his love. 

Robert grunted sleepily when his hands conclude the lack of his lover’s presence in the bed and swung his leg over the side of the bed, the coldness of the floor crawling through his bones. Robert wandered around the house, yawning away his sleepiness, as confusion began to settle in. 

Where was Jimmy?

 

Jimmy shuffled through the front door of his boat house, an acquainted comfort warming his chest at the sight of his first home, everything as it was when Jimmy had left for tour. It was like opening a time capsule, or walking into a photograph, all the memory’s of the last time he’d been here pouring through Jimmy like warm black coffee. 

Jimmy walked into the kitchen throwing his keys onto the counter. As Jimmy began to boil water for tea, he leaned against the counter, savouring the heat radiating off the stoves element. Jimmy closed his eyes, his mind drifting to the first time he’d done heroin, melting it over the open element, anxious and cold and desperate. Jimmy clenched his fist as an itch twitched through his arm. 

Jimmy took his tea to the couch, setting a vinyl on the turning table and letting the soothing voice of Baez direct his memory else where. Jimmy cradled his tea, gazing at the stars dusting the night sky through his window; perhaps he’d take a look through his telescope after gathering some of his belongings. 

Jimmy sat at his dinning table, his stare wandering to the floral coach against his will. If Jimmy was honest with himself, he though it was tragically ugly, with its lacy frills and the scratchy floral pattern that blended together to create a ghastly yellowy brown shade. But Jimmy would never toss it. It held to many memories. 

A private smile lifted Jimmy’s face remembering the countless times Jude and he sat on that couch, drinking, smoking, writing music, or on the special intimate moment, falling asleep together with movie credits rolling on the telly. 

Jimmy wondered what his life would have been if Jude hadn’t passed away, if Jimmy had gone on tour with them, if Jude and him had gotten the chance to be together. Would Jimmy and Jude still be together, would Jimmy have tried heroin, would Jimmy have stayed with the band? A frown pulled on Jimmy’s lips. Would he have saved Jude? Jimmy’s brows pulled together. Would he have meet Robert? 

Jimmy’s heart picked up at that thought; would Jimmy really change what had happen if it meant Jude lived but Robert and him never meet? The reality of how much Robert had weaved himself into Jimmy’s life suddenly became painfully obvious. How would Jimmy have felt if Robert became hooked to heroin? An image of Robert shooting the sickly black poison into his arm cause Jimmy’s throat to restrict. Jimmy remember how he felt when he’d first seen Jude’s track marks; hopeless, useless, and horribly- mortifyingly- inadequate, if only because he wasn’t enough for Jude to feel happy with his life. Jimmy couldn’t bare thinking how much more damaging Roberts experience could have been and he first saw Jimmy’s track marks. Jimmy didn’t feel the hot tears running down his face until a gasping cry pushed through his lips. Jimmy whipped his cheeks quickly; his didn’t come here to cry and reminisce on what could have been. He had one life; he didn’t have the time to spare daydreaming about another. 

Jimmy trudged his way up the stairs to his bedroom. Jimmy smiled when he spotted his checkered trousers lying on the floor, remembering himself months ago fretting over what he should wear to Maureen’s restaurant. Jimmy walked to his dressed and began to shove clothes into his suit case, leaving the rest to pack up with Robert. Jimmy had had enough of barrowing Robert over sized apparel, so when Jimmy woke up that night with a bout of casual insomnia, he figure he’d rather do something more productive then listen to Robert sleep. Jimmy was shifting throw his blouse drawer when he suddenly gasped, a sharp pain stabbing his hand. Jimmy pulled his hand back, his face paling like the moon when a small pinprick beaded with blood on his palm. 

 

Robert was wearing a path in the floors varnish, waiting for Jonesy to answer his phone. Robert was wide awake now, worry rippling through his torso. The was no note, no keys, no shoes, no coat; Jimmy had left, with not a word to Robert. 

Robert ran his hand through his hair. 

“’ello?” Jonesy exhausted voice crackled through the phone, the sound of a wailing baby could be heard form the distance.

“Jonesy I need you help,” Robert breath out as fast as he could, desperation distorting his words.

“Robert? Mate its bloody three in the morn, and the telephone woke Jacinda,” to say Jonesy sounded annoyed would be an understatement.

Robert felt a distance call of guilt echoing in his mind, “Jonesy I cant find Jimmy”

Robert heard Jonesy’s sharp intake of breath. Robert hadn’t parted with Jonesy under friendly circumstance, and with his hands full trying to keep Jimmy on track, Robert hadn’t had time to keep Jonesy updated or to answer Jonesy’s insistent rings (although the ignorance of Jonesy’s call was more out of lingering bitterness).

“Robert, Robert is he,” Jonesy’s voice crackled to a halt and for a moment only the sounds of a winning babe could be heard, “Robert is he clean now?” 

Robert was suddenly washed in horrible guilt. Jonesy had know Jimmy a considerable amount longer then Robert had, Jonesy loved Jimmy like a brother, and it wasn’t fair that Robert blamed Jonesy for what had happened. “yeah, mate, he’s been clean for a couple months now.” Robert admitted softly. 

Robert heard a muffled sob of relief through the phone and felt his shame thicken, then Jonesy’s voice came through the phone strongly, “have you phoned Jimmy’s boat house?” Jonesy asked. 

Robert wanted to smack himself on the forehead, “god, Jonesy’s, what would we do without you,”

Jonesy laughed in a hushed way, and the lack of a baby’s cry became apparent to Robert. “Robert, would you mind if I handled this one?” 

Robert stopped the instant rejection on this tongue, thinking jonsey deserved this. Robert reluctantly agree, making Jonesy promise to bring Jimmy home. 

Robert slumped into his sofa.

A glass of brandy was in order. 

 

When Jonesy arrived at Jimmy’s home he was relieved to see the lights on and the door unlocked. Jonesy walked over Jimmy’s shoes, spotting his keys on the counter and noting the faint aroma of chamomile in the air. Jonesy followed the lights light in the house, walking up the stair to Jimmy’s bedroom.

“Jimmy? Are you there, mate? Its uh, its Jonesy…” jonsey came around the bend to the master bedroom, freezing at the sight of Jimmy hunched on the bed, hands gripping a needled and a small dusty bag. 

Jimmy’s petrified eyes meet Jonesy’s, and john felt the air in his lung wisp away. Dread ran like blood through Jonesy; Robert had said Jimmy was clean…

Jimmy looked back to the objects clenched in his fist with dewy eyes, sucking in a cold shuddering breath. Lust burned in his belly

“I, uh, I didn’t do anything,” Jimmy mutter awkwardly, “if that’s what your thinking. I was just grabbing some, uh, some clothes, and I uh, I- I f-found-“a chocked sob interrupt Jimmy and Jonesy wasted no more time in sweeping Jimmy into his arms, smothering his friend to his chest tightly. 

Jonesy wondered if Jimmy could feel his racing heart, if he felt the way its mad beating bruised his chest and brought his breathing to a gasping rate.

Jimmy was blabbering into Jonesy’s shirt, clutching the fabric direly, “Jonesy, I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry.” Jimmy breathed it like a prayer, no other words squeezing through the stone in his throat, no other word to explain the angst Jimmy felt over his betrayal to Jonesy making there way to the atmosphere. 

Jonesy hand came to Jimmy’s hair, cradling his heads gently, trying to offer comfort to his friend as the tears glided dangerously on Jonesy lid. “its okay Jimmy, its okay; your okay.” Jonesy smoothed Jimmy’s hair reassuringly, trying to steady his voice, “I forgive you, Jimmy.” 

Jonesy felt Jimmy squeeze back. 

 

When Jimmy and Jonesy arrived back at Roberts ranch the sun had lite the sky up in fierce colours of magenta and orange, clouds whisking across the sky like brush strokes.

Roberts had jumped up from his seat on the porch, a glass clutched in his hand and an almost half empty bottle at his feet. 

Robert bounded down the porch stairs, slightly stumbling in his hast to reach Jimmy. Robert pulled Jimmy into a tight embrace, squeezing the man to his chest desperately. 

“Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy,” Robert grasped the back of Jimmy’s head and pushed there lips together frantically. 

Jimmy heard Jonesy gasp from somewhere behind him, but all that mattered was Robert.

“Jimmy”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That’s it! I almost can’t believe it’s done. So what do you think about it? What was you’re favourite part, you’re most despised part? Any suggestions? Constructive criticism is very much appreciated! 
> 
> Now that Dawning is over I’d love some suggestions for a new fanfic! 
> 
> Thank you so very much for all you incredible support,  
> Peace, love, and rock ‘n’ roll  
> Xoxo  
> Grace

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Your favourite moment, disliked moments, and any constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. Chapter two (dawning day) is already in the making and will be all about jimmys recovery and the begin of Robert and his relation ship.  
> Peace, love, and rock’n’roll to you all  
> Xoxo  
> Grace


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